The pain in the memory of you
by bebe2580
Summary: Follows canon until late Season 4, non-canon pairings. Quite angsty, but then turns sweet and fluffy. Extremely AU, so read at your own risk... I BEG YOU, READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE FIRST SO YOU UNDERSTAND... T, but bordering on M at times, due to suggestive language and situations. It's B&B, but it doesn't start like that! It's completely written, so updates are a sure thing.
1. Chapter 1

First, thank you for the kind words and messages I have found! **PLEASE, I BEG YOU, READ THE NOTE SO THIS MAKES SENSE. A WARNING: the story is already finished, so don't worry to keep on waiting because it is done, finite!**

As I told you, my health took very bad hits, which haven't improved (apart from my disease, I reacted badly to a drug, and I received a chemical burn on my legs and chest, so it was painful and there was no energy or drive to write), and the past 18 months have been of deep emotional turmoil (family troubles that even if they are not mine, they had hurt deeply and had made it impossible to find inspiration)

So, for those reasons, I bring you these: allow me to explain before you read. This was a fic I posted on the old Bones site (the Boneyard, as many called it), and it had a good enough reception, and rereading it, I thought it was salvageable, so I tweaked, checked grammar, altered a few things, and here it is.

This was written during SEASON 4, so keep in mind the storylines up until the beginning: this is very AU in the storyline progress, it follows canon up until a little after **4x17, even going as far as 4x21** , when Roxy broke up with Angela and she had sex with Hodgins in the Egyptian room. My motivation was that I saw Bren crumbling to the point of almost letting her walls down, and she must have realized how deep her love for Booth was starting to run, particularly remembering that moment when she patted Booth's chest with his hankie, and they simply stared at each other, at the end of 4x21, Mayhem on the cross. I can now understand the one aware of their attraction from the beginning was Bren, but she always fought it, realizing the danger Booth posed to her heart.

FORGIVE ME, but read the next A/N at the end for the last comments, because I know many won't understand how on Earth I came up with this.

This is highly psychological for the first few chappies, it will travel deep into their thoughts, and it will be like posing an scenario. The action will come later on, I promise!

I own nothing, but the craziness of this plot: Bones belongs to Fox, and yada yada yada… You know the drill! It's their property, all of it, the only thing of many is the mayhem (LOL) of this plot. It will be very angsty, and so fluffy at the end it will make your teeth rot, so read at your own peril.

A letter and tears was what had brought them together in the first place.

He was sitting in one of the stools of their kitchen, staring as the first lights of the early morning started streaming through the windows, needing the rush of the caffeine to clear his head of the last cobwebs of sleep, to warm his body, to get rid of the fog that sometimes threatened to overcome him, particularly before his brain engaged at full gear.

This was one of _those_ mornings.

And he was thankful she understood. She understood him always.

She understood him better than he had ever thought possible. She understood that when he retreated into that faraway place within his soul, it wasn´t because he didn´t care about her, or because his love for her was less of a truth, it was only because he was fighting his demons, and most of those times, one of those demons had a very definite face, a face that haunted him and stole the smile away from his face, along with his peace of mind.

No one truly understood exactly how they had come to be together, but at the end, it was only natural.

That night, almost 3 years ago, when she showed up at his doorstep, eyes pooling with tears and found his own, equally bloodshot, agonizing in pain, had been the turning point in their lives.

Here they were, sharing their pain, trying to make sense of everything that was being ripped from their lives, their trust shattered, and they just held each other while heartbreaking sobs shook both their bodies. It was only natural when their eyes met, and in each other´s eyes they saw the same pain, and they knew no one else could ever understand how deep the loss they were feeling was, how it was changing them, tearing them apart. He had said it once, she was the lynchpin that held them together, and when she had left, without a glance in their direction, she had driven a sword through both theirs hearts.

When their lips met for the first time, it wasn´t awkward. It was comforting, and at the same time, it was strange. They would have never pictured themselves together, always holding on to the lines of friendship and propriety, both respecting the woman they loved so fiercely, she as her friend, and he as the man who adored her, but the end result was the same.

A tentative kiss of comfort had turned into something passionate, and yet it was filled with tenderness and patience. They couldn´t have stopped themselves more than they could have denied themselves the oxygen they needed to breathe, or food, or water. They had kissed, they had embraced, and before they knew it, she was straddling his lap, and he had taken hold of her hips, and walked them to his bedroom, legs hooked around his waist, fearing that if she let go, the spell cast around them would be broken. She needed him, and he needed her. It was as simple as that.

The next morning, when they woke, and they stared into each other´s eyes, they didn't say a single thing. There was no need for words, the silence was speaking for the both of them. She just smiled, and for the very first time in a long time, she didn´t feel the need to run, to leave, to get away from the complications of relationships. She wanted to know how he was intimately, and now she did. And it had changed her. As she stared into the depth of those chocolate brown eyes, she understood that probably her role in his life was to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart, and despite her natural instinct to protect herself, she wanted to be the shoulder he could lean on, even if that meant opening herself to a world of pain for her heart, a heart that suddenly wanted to be anchored.

She woke up, and she felt for him on the bed, finding his spot already growing cold. She sighed, but she would never, ever make a sour face, or a hasty comment. She knew that in _those_ mornings, all he needed was silence, he deserved the peace and quiet, that much she knew, and she would give it to him. It was their silent agreement, it was their thing, something many people wouldn't understand.

She rubbed her swollen belly, and she smiled openly, feeling the ripples inside her body, welcoming the precious gift she carried. She didn´t have any reason to doubt herself or him, but she knew that there was a part of him she would never have. A part of him she would never own, and just as before, she had settled for having all those parts of him that she could have, all those parts of him that he wanted to give, which were more than enough, knowing that the tiny percentage she didn't own couldn't make her discard the love she felt for him, or make her feel less valuable in his eyes.

Their love had grown, it wasn´t the romance novel type of love. It wasn´t the love that happens at first sight, it wasn´t the love that when you see the other, your toes curl, though she knew hers had curled at his presence the first she caught sight of him, the heat at recognizing such a perfect piece of male, her keen eye attuned to every single detail of his statuesque anatomy.

And without knowing, little by little, she had been surrendering her heart to him, settling for amazing men, but nor for the one she truly wanted. And now that he was in her life, she would never let him go; it had certainly begun as heat and infatuation, but as she had had the precious chance to know him as his friend, and loving him in such, her feelings had transitioned, and given the turmoil her own life had been in, he had been exactly what she had needed.

She would never let the ghosts of his past drive her away, and she was determined to help him, though she saw the sadness in his eyes whenever a particular set of memories came rushing back, and she wished she had a magic potion to drive those memories away, because she hated how those erased the smile from his face, how his eyes lost his spark. How she hated her sometimes, even if she still loved her.

How she wished she could turn back time, and change things for him, even if that meant she would probably wouldn´t be in the picture. But she guessed her love for him ran deeper if she had grown to be so selfless that she would rather change the past for him at the risk of being in his life.

But the only time she had expressed her thoughts, he had kissed her doubts away and made love to her thoroughly, and passionately. She couldn´t be certain, but she knew, deep inside, that such was the night when their child was conceived.

The day she told him he was to be a father again, it was like a light had ignited inside of him again, and he had spun her around, laughing freely, and she was so happy she was the one to give him that joy, but no matter what she did, those ghosts still lurked around, refusing to be exorcised, and the only thing she could do was make sure he knew she wouldn´t desert him, even if it pained him to know that not all of his heart was in her, because he wanted to give her all of him, but that was no longer an option.

But she could love him enough for them both. She had learned completely, and she had said it several times, she gave herself fully, without fear, whenever she fell in love, and for this man, she would give her all, her very best.

She found her robe and tied it as she walked down the stairs towards the kitchen, and she found him in the spot where she knew he would be, in the same place where she had found him countless times before, and she leaned over to brush a kiss against his temple.

He raised his arms to grab her forearms and he rubbed his hands against her skin, relishing her smell, and how it had grown on his senses, overriding others, bringing him a peace and joy he never thought possible.

"Hey", he said tenderly, bringing one of her hands to his lips, kissing it lovingly, as she lowered her head and kissed his hair, letting him feel her smile against him..

"Hey", she said softly, "I hope I´m not interrupting your private brooding session, but I felt lonely up there without you", he tilted his head to look into her eyes, and seeing her open, honest smile, he felt relieved to see she wasn't upset or jealous, pure concern filling her features, and he was thankful he had found someone to come home to every night, someone he could love as she was and who love him back just the same.

But for a fleeting moment, staring into warm honey tinted eyes, he couldn´t help fight the shiver that ran down his spine as the same ghost came back to haunt him.

He remembered. Painfully so. And for one second, he wished he could wipe his memory so it vanished the memory of her. Because that ghost was so achingly beautiful, it had almost killed him to let go. That love had almost killed him.

But he was standing on his own two feet. He was doing well. Time had worked its magic. He had survived, and now he was living a full life, the one he deserved.

But in the dark recesses of his mind, that beautiful blue-eyed ghost, that ghost who had betrayed him, who had left him, who had left _them,_ who had chosen to run instead of fighting for those she claimed to love, was still alive, and she still held the power to steal the smile from his face, though it didn't happen as often nowadays, and it was thanks to the woman before him.

He wondered what would happen if they crossed paths again.

One thing he was certain of: he would never betray someone who loved him the way she had. And _she,_ this beautiful human being before him, had proven she deserved everything he could give her, even if they both knew a part of him had died the day she had fled.

And dead people don´t return from the grave.

She had taught him that. And a dog never forgets how painful the stroke of the whip can be. He had learned his lesson, and he was determined to never forget.

He breathed deeply, and he tugged at her arms, and she understood his silent request. She slowly moved to face him, and straddled his lap, the round bulge of the unborn life they had created, the child they both loved with every bit of their souls, resting between them.

He moved his hands over her abdomen, untying the knot that held her robe together at the front, and seeing his pain-filled smile, she tugged at his shirt, understanding, knowing, _understanding_ she was the drug that would erase his pain, even for a little while.

Perhaps she couldn´t have all of him, but she could give him all of her and for once, she didn´t need more, even if a part of her would crave to have this wonderful man all to herself, and in these moments, as their naked skins fused, and their mouths traveled hungrily, tenderly, drinking each other in, she knew she did.

When their bodies stilled, their soaked skin glistening in the morning light, the scent of their joining acting like a powerful aphrodisiac, and the sounds of their ragged breaths filled the room, for that short second, he could forget everything he had lost and focus on what he had gained.

And all was fine in his world.

"Better, Mr. Booth?", she said seductively, running her hands over his chest, shinning with perspiration, drinking in every crevice of golden skin, every carved muscle, and she was hungry once more, thanking silently her pregnancy hormones for the carnal hunger than only seemed to grow, and that he was only too happy to oblige at her every whim.

"Much", he inhaled, looking into her eyes, willing his mind to forget, for once, and succeeding, even for a few seconds. He didn't have to pretend when he put on a happy face, for her, because she truly had mastered the impossible, and against her swollen lips, wishing he could devour her whole, he muttered lovingly, his voice husky with need and tenderness,

"Much better indeed… Mrs. Booth-Montenegro".

 **A/N:** _ **I'm ducking underneath my computer so I don't get the rotten tomatoes thrown my way! I know this seems unbelievable, but as I've rewatched many interactions between Booth and Ange, this is not entirely impossible: even in s10, she's still waaaay too flirty with Booth, and I honestly think that if she had been given free reign, she would have actually actively pursued him, and Booth flirted back always before he got together with Hannah and Bren, respecting the boundaries. I hope you understand where I'm coming from.**_

 _ **And please know that from 1 to 3 chappies will be posted each week, depending on the response. I HATE withholding material, and that's not my intention, but it's good to know if it's even worth the effort, as I continue to reread and proofread. Writers needs reviews to keep themselves on the straight and narrow. Thank you!**_


	2. Chapter 2: Him, now Her

**A/N: The first chappies will show us the life each of the major characters have been leading.**

 **Please, I warn you yet again, this is very psychological, and it's a journey into the saddest, deepest parts of their psyches, that is why there are so few dialogues and more like reflections of their thoughts.**

 **The complete story is about 18-20 chappies long…**

 **B &B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B**

 **Her**

She rolled in the trunk they had disposed for her in the dig as a bed, trying to send an order to her tired body and to her even more tired mind to get to rest and block out everything but the sensations coursing through her, but the truth was that she knew oblivion probably wouldn´t come, and she was the only one to blame for the deep sorrow lacing her every moment.

Her blue eyes were fixed on the clear starry night, moving over the darkness that was lit by the twinkling of the stars, and as irrational as it was, she could only find the parallel. Her life was a complete void, filled with darkness, with the occasional twinkling of light that could only come with the satisfaction of a job well done or a huge accomplishment, and the hardest part of it all was knowing it was her own doing. She wasn´t loved anymore. She could only settle for being desired, lusted after, _craved_ even, but unconditionally loved, never again.

The day she had decided to leave, well, more like flee the Jeffersonian, and DC altogether, she knew she would be changing not only her life, but also the lives of the people that mattered the most to her, but fear had taken the best of her, and now there was no turning back.

Her chest ached. Her body ached, and even her mind ached, the pain only comparable to the venom of a snake bite, coursing and infecting every cell, every thought.

Her reasons for leaving no longer seemed valid now, but they felt true the moment she decided to leave, and to be honest, if there was someone who could be considered a betrayer, that was her.

She had left them, she had deprived them of the chance to comfort her, she had ripped the center down the middle without a thought, without a word, without caring what her actions would do to those who considered her an integral part of their family.

That day, when word came that Max had been killed by one of his former associates, she hadn´t shed a single tear. She remembered Booth shakily breaking the news to her, obviously trying to soften the blow, and how for the first time, she didn´t relax in his embrace, in that sweet, loving _guy hug,_ how stiff her body was, and how shocked he was at her reaction, how determinedly she refused his comfort and support.

She remembered his words, " _Bones, your father just died, killed by someone from his past. You are allowed to shed a few tears on his account"_ , she had only replied, her voice cold and impassive, her defensive walls coming up instantly, " _He was master of his own fate, Booth. I told you once, there would be a fault in the design if we didn´t bounce from these… things",_ he just looked in her direction incredulously and said, " _Bones, I can´t make you mourn him, but he loved you, Bones, he truly did, and even if he left you, I know, in my heart, Max Keenan adored you, and he spent the last years of his life doing nothing but trying to prove it to the best of his ability. I think that despite what he did, just for that, he deserves a bit more than your rationale, Bones. Anyway, I´ll be here, whenever you need me, you know I´ll never leave you. Only death could physically take me away, and you know what? You don´t have to be strong Bones, you don´t have to go through this alone",_ the sadness in his eyes as he left her office overwhelmed her, but it was his words that scared her, because it was in this moment when she realized how truly dependent she had become of him, and what would happen if he ever left?

So she had done what she always did. She accepted one of the countless offers she had to go on a dig somewhere in India, and she arranged everything so that no one found out before she was far, far away, leaving no traces of her destination, because she knew Booth would do his FBI thing and track her down, and try to convince her to stay.

She had written 4 letters, one to Cam, explaining why she was leaving the Jeffersonian, one to Russ and Amy, one to Booth, and another one to Angela. The last two were the most painful ones to write, because she had to explain why she was leaving them, but at the same time she had to ask them to get on with their lives and not mourn her leaving: this was her choice, but she knew, as she wrote every word, they would never understand, and she knew she would be breaking their hearts.

And looking back, she knew her words had accomplished the desired effect because they had moved on, though she knew, from a very reliable source, how hard it was for them to get to the place they were now.

She knew that it had taken everyone by surprise that they were together, but she wasn´t. She knew that they would turn to each other for comfort the moment she left, and despite the hot-searing pain that was tearing her insides at imagining them together, she was glad they had found one another. She knew no one would understand their pain better than the other.

From the moment he walked into the lab, and into their lives, she was aware of Angela´s deep attraction to him, but she also knew her friend´s sense of loyalty would never let her pursue something more than the innocent playfulness and flirting they shared, though her hungry gaze, even if hidden, always let her know that if his heart had been in the open, she would have been the first in line to pursue it. Despite how oblivious she had tried to appear in the face of their initial attraction, Angela had rooted for them to get together from day one, and it was only her fears and his line which prevented them from entering what they had craved so deeply.

But it wasn´t the fear everyone thought: people thought she was afraid of relationships, but what she was truly afraid of was of not being enough for him, of not giving him the things he so badly desired, and rightfully deserved. She was afraid at the end he would realize how truly damaged she was, and he would end up despising her.

Another person would feel betrayed that her best friend and the man she loved, even if she never said it out loud to anyone, even to herself, had gotten together, but they were kindred souls in a way. They understood people, they were all heart and feelings, and they would mend each other´s wounds.

And they surely had.

When word reached her that they had gotten married and had a baby on the way, she had cried, even more than when her parents abandoned her, even more than when she allowed herself to grieve for her father a second time: She cried for the life that she willingly gave away, she mourned for the woman she would never have the chance to become. She longed for the opportunity of a family that now had vanished, along with her hopes of knowing what making love truly was, because only he could have shown her what that meant.

She was certain Angela was giving everything of herself to him, and the only thing she hoped for was that the scar she had left on his already bruised heart would have healed by now, and that he had found joy and repose with her best friend, because Angela would always be her best friend, her sister.

Because deep inside, she knew no man would have loved her like he would. He had given her sufficient proof of that. Just the fact that he was willing to give his life for her had to be enough evidence.

And that was the man she had left behind.

That was the man she couldn´t return to.

That was the man she would never set her eyes on again, because she didn't have the courage to stand before him and face all the feelings he must be aiming in her direction, none of them good.

In nights like these, she prayed. And it was ironic that she did, given that she wasn't a believer, but he was, and she could only hope that part of him was still as innocent as it was when she left, that she hadn´t destroyed that as well, his ability to trust that after the storm, came the calm and peace.

She prayed that she wasn´t a ghost to him as he was to her. She prayed that she didn´t haunt his thoughts as he did hers, every waking hour.

She prayed for him, she prayed for her friend, she prayed for the family they were creating, she prayed for the family they would have, the family that should have been hers if she hadn't let her fear get in the way.

She prayed that someday she stopped feeling unclean. She hoped that she could wash away the filth that had entered her soul, for even if she didn't believe in souls, hers was tainted the moment she stopped setting her eyes on the warmth of his.

Hers was tainted every time a man that wasn´t him took possession of her body and entered her pliant flesh, but never her thoughts, giving her body the chance to release the scream her soul was longing to howl into the night air so everyone knew the pain she carried inside. She could only bit her lip with every passionate thrust, hoping her fantasies never betrayed and HIS name wasn't the one she screamed when she found her pleasure, with every kiss that worshipped her body, but never her soul, with every drop of sweat that fell onto her skin, which was milky white, but could have been covered with mud, because that is all she saw of herself when she looked in the mirror: a soul broken without chance of ever being repaired. Forgiveness, a notion she had scoffed at so frequently, was such a desperate need and yet such an impossibility, had she believed, she didn't think she would have the courage to ask for it from that God Booth believed so strongly in.

A particular thrust against that spot inside her made her moan and arch her back helplessly, and she felt him lave and suck the skin of her neck, and she closed her eyes, her thoughts never wandering.

Yes, she could only hope and pray he would forget. She hoped it wasn´t her face he saw every time he made love to _her,_ when his body reached that pinnacle of release inside of her and they enjoyed the miracle he had told her about, she prayed it was only her brown eyes he saw, and not the bitter aftertaste of the "what if´s" she left for him.

Because the only thing she could do was remember. And it was his face, his eyes, his body, imprinted in her retinas if that was scientifically possibly, what she saw, and how she willed herself not to close her eyes and punish herself even more with the reality of knowing that it wasn´t him before her, beneath her, above her, _inside her._

What she wouldn´t give to forget.

But remembering would forever be her punishment.

And she prayed he would be spared of her agony.

She could be strong.

She was strong.

For them both, she would endure.

As her body exploded, unable to escape the masterful touch of her lover and giving in to the need to imagine it was _HIM_ playing her body like a violin for a few precious seconds, she turned her face, and burrowed it into the pillow, gasping for breath, both from the physical exertion, and also from the tears she was fighting to hold, empty pleasure and shame was all she felt after her release. She felt the humidity of the night on her skin, now sticky with sweat, and the only thing she wanted now was to be left alone with her thoughts.

What she wouldn´t give to be back in her apartment. Her bathtub was surely missed.

She felt the trail of a silent tear escape her closed eyelids, and she brushed it away before questions came. She didn´t feel like speaking.

Indeed, she never felt like speaking anymore.

When his weight was lifted from her and he slipped from inside her body, she sighed with relief. She would never stop wondering how a single touch could make her feel so free, and yet how another would make her feel so… so much like a slave: she despised herself, but in these moments, she could forget how wrong her life had turned out.

She felt his hands traveling the expanse of her back sweetly as she turned her body away from him, and despite the heat of the night, she covered her sweaty skin, needing to put some kind of barrier between them, as she knew he wanted the intimacy.

They had gotten all they could. At least he had. She would never get it again.

"Temperance? Are you ok?", she could hear he was concerned for her. He wasn´t at fault for her troubled past, but there was nothing she could give to him. She was an empty vessel. She had given all of her so many years ago, and she couldn't reclaim it.

Her voice came out hoarse, but steady, "I´m fine. Just tired. I just want to sleep, we had a long day", she didn´t open her eyes. She knew how much he loved them. He had told her time and time again how beautiful they were, but something was missing. It was how _he_ had said it, and how no other man would ever sound like HIM again, the awe she heard in his voice whenever he complimented her.

"Can I stay?", there was a hint of hope in his voice, and she knew what he was asking for. But for his sake, and hers, she had to stop it. She wouldn´t _couldn't,_ destroy someone else. It was enough that she was in the pit by herself, and that is how it was going to stay. And besides, this was a good, honorable man whose only mistake had been in falling in love with her.

She sighed, "I would prefer if you left. You know I like to sleep alone", she said, keeping her voice low.

"Temperance", his hold on her skin became more insistent, as if to entice her to give in to his request, "Please, you can´t say that after… well… Doesn´t this mean anything to you? I felt you, your surrender to me", she tilted her body and opened her eyes, and for the first time, she spoke with an open heart, not wanting to hurt him.

"Jonathan, I… ", she placed a hand against his chest, "I can´t give you more than this. Don´t put us into some idealistic romantic idea. For both our sakes. I can only give you this. Do not ask for more, or stop coming here", he stood from the bed, and put on his jeans, and stared sadly at her.

"It´s him, isn´t it?", he asked as he stood to search for his clothes, putting on his boxers and pants, started buttoning his shirt.

She clutched the covers to her naked skin, needing the barrier, and nodded, "I´m sorry. I have never meant to hurt you. You are a good friend, but in this instance, I have never lied to you".

He laughed sourly, "I´m sorry for believing I could make you forget", he whispered, "I´ll see you tomorrow then", his head hung low now and with a last longing look, he exited her tent.

Her eyes shone with tears, and she nodded again, hating herself for being the cause of someone else´s pain.

When he left, she fell against the pillows, and her hand instinctively reached for a figure she knew would be there, her most prized possession.

 _Jasper._

"I´m sorry, I'm so sorry", she whispered into the night air, and her tears fell, without making a sound, just trailing down her perfect porcelain skin, the way foster children did, in silence, so no one was aware of the pain tearing them up inside.

How she wished those tears would wipe away the filth within.

But it would take crying a river to find some measure of clean.

And yet, she knew she would remember still. She would remember always.

B&B&B&BB&B&B&B&BB&B&

Let me hear your thoughts, please, so I can know how this metaphorical stretching of the legs is working…


	3. Jack

**Hello, you guys!**

 **I´m back! I THANK YOU ALL, DEEPLY, FOR YOUR KIND WORDS AND SUPPORT, AND I APOLOGIZE, PROFUSELY, FOR MY ABSENCE! I don't like to make excuses, but my life has been quite hectic, and you deserve my honesty: I had a bad cold that turned into bronchitis, due to the steroids, I acquired a bacteria that required 2 months of antibiotics, and that has now left my skin with extremely high sensitivity, my sister had a renal colic that was excruciating, ending up in surgery to remove the renal stone, then making her catch a bad case of the flu in the ER due to the cold, which she passed to me due to me being her caretaker, and just getting rid of it a week ago, so there you have it!**

 **As you can guess, I didn't have the energy to write, but here I am, trying to do my best to get back on the horse after the continuous falling down.**

 **This chapter is from Jack's perspective, and it goes deep into his feelings about Brennan leaving, Angela and Booth getting involved and then married. I hope it's not confusing, and I tried to clarify it putting** _ **cursive**_ **letters several times regarding** _ **her**_ **or** _ **she,**_ **when referring to Brennan. It's LOOOONG, but I didn't want to break him up, so I hope you BEAR WITH ME, pretty please?**

 **Hope you like, and please, tell musie if this comeback is worth it! Blessings to you all and Happy Holidays!**

Jack.

He rolled off from bed, and he went towards the window, his naked, sculpted form shinning in the moonlight, a slight layer of perspiration coating his slightly bronzed skin. It had never been like him to leave such a stunning woman alone in his bed, her body still warm and soft from passion, but he no longer cared if he had just let someone amazing waiting to snuggle next to him, or if it was insensitive to act that way towards her or any woman: He needed the space. He needed to breathe, because it felt like he hadn´t taken a single breath in years.

There was only woman who came close to tearing the walls he spent his life building, the same woman he had let slide through his hands due to misunderstandings and lack of forgiveness.

People who didn´t know him deeply considered him to be funny, your average Joe, even underneath the lab coat, but the minute his money appeared into question, they inevitably changed; they were more careful, either tiptoeing around him or trying to get on his good graces, somewhat imagining they would benefit somehow from being part of his life. That was why he hid who he truly was from the world, only displaying his true self to the ones he trusted.

Only one woman had set herself aside from the others. That was the woman he had given his entire self to.

And now she belonged to somebody else. She belonged to a man he once considered one of his closest, truest friends.

And he still did, though the closeness they once shared was forever lost.

He wasn´t a masochist.

And the pain of seeing them together still stung. Deep. Like a hot poker moving through his intestines reminding that he could have it all, that money could buy everything, but never her.

He knew there was only another person in the world who was sharing his pain, but in her case, matters were different, because this was her doing: she had left them, all of them, without a second glance. And even if he tried to excuse her, the only reason behind her leaving was pure, unadulterated fear and raw pain caused by loss. He would never stopped being amazed at how a woman who was able to face so many awful, frightening things, a woman who could face danger so fearlessly without flinching could be so scared of the one true, wonderful thing the world had to offer.

And now 3 people were paying the price, alongside her.

He wondered what would have happened if she hadn´t left. He wondered if he and Angela would have found their way back to each other, if they would have finally discovered a way to regain the trust they allegedly lost in each other, compromise and regain the love he knew they still felt.

He wanted to hate HER for the chain of events her decision had provoked, but he couldn´t; he knew a thing or two about pain and loss.

He couldn´t hate her for leaving him, for doubting his love, and for finding someone who valued everything she was, without hesitation. Perhaps if he wasn´t so much of a masochist, he would have left the Jeffersonian, but he simply couldn't. Or perhaps it was his battered pride which hadn´t allowed him to flee. He acted like the mature, cool guy he always pretended he was. He didn´t want them to know that they had crushed his every hope, and he had swallowed his tears bravely, playing his part to perfection, the darkness of the night the only moment when he allowed himself to feel the crushing devastation of his loss; they would never know that once more, they had contributed to make him feel like the abandoned teenager who had lost everything that mattered, that he would continue to be without love, family or company.

Because the day they got married was probably the saddest day of his life, the pain exactly the same as the day he lost his parents. He could only remember every single painful detail. His body was there, but his mind kept journeying back to the day _they_ were supposed to be marrying, and by some sick twist of fate, he didn´t get his dream wedding, and from there it seemed like an avalanche had been waiting to happen, like that little ball of snow on top of a cliff, waiting for the slightest disturbance to come tumbling down and destroy everything.

He remembered how they had spent those days that were supposed to be their honeymoon making love, laughing, tanning and enjoying the sun after being in the lab during almost the duration of their waking hours for what seemed like years, but deep inside, knowing she was legally attached to someone else was making them feel all those emotions were masking a deeper fear. A feeling of impending doom. Momentum. Timing. Whatever the word was, it described them perfectly. They had lost their window of opportunity.

Losing her had been hard, and when Roxie entered the picture, he was shocked, worried, jealous and afraid but somehow, knowing how troubled she truly was about her heart, he knew, deep inside, a relationship between them wouldn´t last: he saw it from the moment Roxie stepped foot onto the Jeffersonian. She needed a commitment Angela wasn´t still ready to give, and even if he somewhat served as an outlet for the sexual energy she had stored after she and Roxie broke up, and he tried to act cool and nonchalant about it after their tryst at the Egyptian room, the fact was that she was so unwilling to open all of her heart to him still stung deeply, and even if he hid it, he had felt used, he felt this brief outlet of sexual desire had debased the deep love they had shared before.

But he still waited. There was always a glimmer of hope, because part of her still turned to him at the most trying of times. And that had to count for something, and he held on to that like a man hanging on to a ledge with his bare fingertips.

And then _she_ left.

And everything changed.

He remembered that day so clearly.

He remembered Cam´s saddened face as she told them Brennan had resigned the Jeffersonian for real this time. He recalled Angela´s stunned, shocked expression as Cam handed her the envelope with the elegant handwriting of the woman he had come to admire for so long, with just one single word, _Ange._

He never read said letter, but Angela´s reaction was enough to let him know that whatever she had written down had broken her heart. And in that slight second, he did hate _her._

He hated that she was so afraid her actions had ended up breaking the hearts of 4 people at the same time, hers included, but he pitied her at the same time because he knew she had to be dying from the heartache, and she hadn't known how to deal with it, giving in to her flight response.

Seeing Angela storm out of the lab, bitter, angry tears streaming down her face, and how hard she fought when he tried to get answers, how harshly she disengaged her body from his embrace as he tried to console her, he hated _her_ for changing the course of their lives.

And in turn, she, the woman he loved so much, would never be his.

His chest ached every single time he walked into that lab and saw her swollen belly, her sparkling eyes, shining with joy, aware it was all for someone who wasn´t him.

How many times he had dreamt of being the one to bring that joy into her life.

But now it was another man who was doing that for him.

A man he admired, he looked up to, a man he hated for taking what he loved the most.

The funny thing was that he still considered him a friend, an honorable man.

Despite what people had thought, he never felt like Booth had betrayed him. He remembered when Booth asked him to meet him for lunch at the diner, and he explained how he and Angela were going to try and give "them" a try.

 _I´m not asking for your blessing, or even for forgiveness, because it's not my place,_ he had said, _but I´ve come to consider you my friend, like my family, you're more of a brother than my own flesh and blood, and I would never let you hear this from someone who wasn´t me. We weren't looking for this, Hodgins, but we have feelings for each other. This is not a fling, or something to pass the time. I do care about her, deeply, I always have, and I believe we can give this… a shot._

How in the world could he hate him? The pain behind his honesty was precisely was prompted him just to nod and offer to shake his hand, a silent understanding passing between the two men, a truce of sorts. He wasn´t Grayson or Roxie: Booth was a "forever" kind of guy. And the fact that he wanted to set things straight with him was evidence of his qualities as a man. He could understand why Angela had fallen at his feet, and he knew that, given her artistic nature, she was bound to admire him, physically, because being honest, Booth was certainly VERY easy on the eyes, and despite their relationship, Angela had always felt an attraction for him, an attraction she simply disregarded out of respect for Brennan and then due to their relationship, two obstacles that were now out of the way. Anyway, for her sake, he decided to stand guard, until an outcome was resolved.

But the torture he had subjected himself to was unparalleled.

And just for that, he was thankful she had left. Perhaps Dr. Temperance Brennan indeed was the smartest one of them all, because this felt like swallowing shards of broken glass.

Nobody knew, but they had emailed each other a few times: from him, _she_ found out they were getting married. He was the only memory of her past life she still hadn´t cut off completely.

Her only reply was, " _Wish them luck, even if they don´t know it is from me"._

She was a ghost, and forever would remain one, even if she had done everything to erase herself from their lives. With those words, he knew her hopes had died, along with his. He had foolishly expected her to get on a plane and get back to sort the mess all of them had created. But he could understand why she was staying away.

She felt she had no right to return. She had lost it the day the fear in her head screamed louder than the love she was feeling in her heart.

He wondered if _she_ haunted Booth the same way Angela haunted him, or if she felt Booth in her every thought.

Because HE certainly did felt Angela in every way: He felt her in every part of his room, in every part of his body, in every part of his heart.

He had gone back to his old ways, to the man he was before she came into his life, bedding the most beautiful women, simply because _he could,_ and he let himself feel cold, alone, empty, _angry_ at everything and everyone once more.

And he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, _she_ must be feeling the same.

And he even ached for her. Sympathy. Or simply knowing _she_ must be dying from the pain. For the first time, she truly had no one, and it was her choice.

He didn´t know where she was, but he had an idea: Hell must be pretty close.

And if he knew something about her, _she_ was doing the same thing he was: Attempting to lose herself in another body, in another smell, in another taste, in another skin, but her eyes would always travel to all new faces as if expecting to find those same brown eyes that had become the center of her world.

Because his did, always drunk in the longing of seeing those chocolate eyes that had once showed him so much love. And how painful it was to will your eyes closed, but knowing it was better to keep them open and swallow the bitter pill of reality so you didn't delude yourself into the pull of any fantasy.

A pair of small hands gripped his waist from behind, but his azure eyes never left the horizon, focused on the twinkling of the stars. He never saw them anymore. Only Angela had made him want to gaze up into the sky, and without her, there was too much space out there, and still no room to breathe.

"Jack, come back to bed, it´s late, and I´m getting cold without you there", her voice was soft and sweet and he gave her a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. It would never again.

"Just… Go to bed… I just need a while, I'll be right there", he said kindly; behind the lab coat there was a man so certain of his sexuality he didn´t even blush knowing he was standing naked in front of the large windows, his hands braced against the steel railings, his strong biceps supporting his weight.

She brushed his glistening skin tenderly, and retreated to bed, already knowing he would be back only when she was asleep.

This was the man she would never get. She would have to settle for the few moments she could get, but she was willing to live on scraps as long as she could, because he was worth the effort, even if he didn't see it.

He heard the retreating footsteps, and was thankful that at least for this once, she hadn´t pushed the issue, and understood his need for solitude.

His throat felt impossibly tight, and the release his body just experienced hadn´t served to help him let go. Because there was a face that would always be imprinted in his mind.

He wondered if Booth ever felt the same. And deep inside, he was certain of it, and he hated him for that: he hated knowing that the woman he loved wouldn´t be loved the way she deserved in return, not because Booth didn´t want to, but because a part of his heart had been killed, a victim, a casualty in the war they had all lost.

He hated knowing that no other man would love her the same way he did, and still he desperately needed to find a way to kill that love if he wanted to survive, to keep living, but he kept wondering if _she_ had managed to kill hers, if time and distance were doing something, _anything,_ to dull the heartache.

Because he knew that despite the silence and the denial, Brennan had loved Booth in ways she couldn't even comprehend, and she must be feeling as empty as he was, trying to fill the black void in her soul.

He had lost track of time, because when he returned to bed, Natalie, his bedmate, was sleeping soundly. He felt a pang of sadness for this kind woman who was unfortunate enough to honestly fall for him. He didn´t want to drag her into this vortex of pain and loneliness he was submerged into, but the only thing he had to say for himself was that he had given her fair warning before they started anything.

It seemed four people walked the Earth missing half of their souls.

And the most painful thing was knowing they would never get it back. His mind inevitably went back to one of the many organizations he donated to, and how he was dragged there to see how his money was helping people, turning lives around. It was a rehabilitation program for soldiers and people who had lost an extremity because of landmines. A young soldier, when asked about how it felt, psychologically, had replied in the most candid manner, " _The most awful feeling you go through is feeling it is there, even feeling actual pain from the wound, but reaching out to touch it and finding only empty space._

It seemed the feeling didn´t cover lost limbs alone. It also applied to battered hearts.

Yes. Remembering would also be his curse.

And _her_ punishment.

But he prayed that at least not all of them were stuck in the hellhole.

He had learned faith. In the darkest, bleakest hole dug in the Earth, when death had felt like a certainty, she had taught him its true meaning. And the source of that faith would have never let any of them down.

He hoped Booth learned to love Angela, and for a second, he hated that he would never appreciate the beauty of her smiles, because a part of that courageous, loyal man would always be longing for _hers,_ for that bright blue-green gaze that was both fearful and strikingly haunting in its vulnerability. That memory alone was more than enough to poison an entire lifetime, with each haunting drop that fell.

He knew.

It seemed they were all fans of self-flagellation, but he hoped, he prayed, that somehow, it would all stop.

He cocooned himself underneath the covers, and in a moment of need, brought Natalie´s willing body to rest against his, spooning her, hearing her content sigh as she placed her hand over his on her midriff, snuggling further, smelling her lovely perfume, and for a slight second, ordering himself to forget, to let go.

He needed to live, to lift his head from the deep murky waters of longing. This had to stop, and he owed to himself: in this moment, the waves stopped coming, and with a sigh, he closed his eyes, and slept. But never dreamt. That was still far out of reach.

 **Well, as I said in the beginning, I hope this was clear enough: but to clear it up, I hope the cursive letters worked, and that it was clear that whenever he thought of leaving, punishment, abandonment, he was thinking about Bren. Anyway, if you though this was any good or crazy, let me know!**

 **Big kiss!**


	4. A storm brewing in the horizon

**Hello, everyone! LONG, LOOOONG AUTHOR'S NOTE! BE WARNED! LOL**

 **Thank you FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, for your reviews, alerts, favorites… It's a balm for me and it gives me the boost to want to continue writing, to never give up this passion so deeply affected lately by life.**

 **I want to comment, this story is already finished, though I'm revising and polishing it to make it better, more cohesive, that being said, be warned, the plotline is already done, and I don't want to change it because when I wrote it, I felt a connection to the way it was, and as someone said, it becomes a testament to the person you were, and the person you are becoming. I'll tweak it, and this chapter was not in the original part, but I guessed I wanted to include it so the flow is easier to follow.**

 **And I wanted to comment on someone who reviewed, SORRY because I can't remember your name precisely, but you do deserve an answer: this story was AU from the beginning, the events that made Brennan flee are not in cannon, I think I wrote this before there were hints of Booth becoming ill, as Roxie is mentioned in the previous chapter and she left about ¾ into the season.**

 **I hope that was clear, and thank you, once more, for every word you leave me here!**

 **BTW, I'm not a fan of character deaths or unnecessary angst, but sometimes plotlines takes us to strange places, and as long as it help with the development of the main characters, in the case B &B, and everything is loyal to their essence, I see no harm. For example, I love Parker, and there are several fics where he has been killed, but at the end, his death served a greater purpose, which is to bring B&B together. I think that is the role of a supporting character, though, as a FAN, I do understand where the secondary characters plotline even surpass those of the main characters (I was a teenager in the 90's, remember when in Dawson's Creek they got Pacey and Joey together, and many fans were outraged for Dawson? I did ship them, a lot, but people evolve, and so should the characters… in my humble opinion, that is).**

 **After this clarification, thanks, rant, whatever, here it goes…**

A storm brewing in the horizon.

Booth was terribly excited that today they had a new ultrasound for their baby girl. It didn't matter how many times it happened before, but hearing the wild galloping of her heartbeat had never lost any of its magic, and he simply swooned at the beauty of the life growing inside his wife.

He hadn't thought it possible, but he learned to love her more and more with each passing day, and the demons of his past seemed like a lost memory the closest Angela's due date approached; she had given him the greatest gift, her love, her patience, her desire to build family with him, and they had already discussed that when their baby was big enough, they would immediately begin trying for a second, wanting the siblings to be close in age: Angela wanted a big family, having hated being an only child, and knowing that Booth was also a family man, there was no question about them expanding their family.

He was waiting for Angela to finish getting ready, knowing that now more than ever she needed her time in getting ready, when his cell phone began ringing; he frowned given that people at the office knew he was going to come in after lunch today, after he took his wife to the doctor, and he had lunch with her, so he knew it couldn't be good news, and when he saw it was Hacker, his boss, he immediately picked up.

"Hey, boss. What's up?", he asked, and the man replied with a tense, "Booth, I hate doing this to you, as you already told me you have your wife's ultrasound, but the thing is that Caroline is about to chew everyone's ass in here", he said, and Booth, understanding the demanding and tense tone so uncharacteristic of his boss, asked, equally tense, "What happened?"

"The Anderson case? We don't know how, but there's evidence missing, and without it, that piece of scum and his equally scum lawyer are going to take advantage and chances are he's going to walk", Booth swallowed. That had been a tough case, and they had done their absolute best to make sure that child killer didn't walk. If someone had broken the chain of evidence, they would be responsible for that bastard going free on a technicality. Booth didn't even need explanations: as head of Major Crimes, it was his duty to make sure this disaster didn't go beyond, and they find everything to right this wrong.

"Boss, I'm right on it", he said, and Hacker sighed, knowing Booth had already made many sacrifices for the Bureau, "Sorry, Booth. You know I normally dislike doing this to any of my agents, but…", Booth cut him off, "You don't have to say it, I'll be there right now", they exchanged goodbyes, and Booth hung up. He took a look at himself. He was in what Angela called his "dressy casual" attire, which was dressy pants, an elegant shirt and no tie, and he guessed that if Hacker needed him that badly, he wouldn't mind if he came in without the standard uniform of suit and tie.

Angela exited the bathroom, putting on a pair of earrings, and when she saw his bleak expression, she didn't need to know that something bad must have happened.

"What's wrong?", she asked instantly, and he groaned in reply, "The Anderson bust is missing evidence", she didn't need him to elaborate to understand the severity of his problem, and that it fell to him to set things right. It also meant he must be feeling torn that he was forced to miss her doctor's appointment, and her heart broke for him. He wanted to be there for anyone, but he couldn't split himself down the middle, and she sat next to him on the bed, intent on easing his troubled mind, placing his hand on the swell of her stomach, so they felt their baby moving happily inside of her.

"Booth, you've been with me every single step of the pregnancy, and your people need you right now. You couldn't live with yourself if you didn't go there and time was lost on fixing this problem, and then he walked. This is what we do, that is our duty, and particularly you've given your life so criminals like him don't walk around like nobody's business. So don't beat yourself up over this, and simply go. I'll call Cam, and I'm certain she'll use her privilege as boss to take a little time off and drive me there, so don't fret", she leaned in, and they shared a sweet, tender kiss before he rested his forehead against hers.

"I love you, Ange. I know I don't say it enough, but I truly do", and in his eyes, she could see the absolute truth of that statement, that all of the parts of him she had were completely devoted to her, and for that, she was thankful. She had chosen to live in the moment, and while she knew they both had a past, they were each other's present, and that was enough.

"I know. I love you too, Seeley, and you're the most amazing husband any girl can have. So, go now before Hacker goes ballistic", they shared a final kiss, and he stood, taking his gun, and keys before he gave her one last longing look and he left. She sighed, and as promised, she took her cell phone, and dialed Cam.

B&B&B&&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B

As she guessed, Cam had been willing to take most of the morning off so she could drive her to her doctor's appointment. Being 8 months pregnant meant she no longer walked, but waddled, and she certainly needed the assistance in moving around.

They had chatted amiably on the way, and everything was as usual. They talked about the lab, and Cam commiserated with Angela that Booth must be miserable, since everyone knew how devoted he was to his wife and children, and admiring his loyalty and devotion to fulfilling justice, even when it affected his personal life.

When Angela was called in, Cam asked if she wanted her to go inside, but in that moment, just about as Angela was about to reply yes, Cam's cell phone rang, and when they realized it was Booth, they knew it must be pretty urgent, and case-related. Angela calmed her down, and told her she would be fine, and to enter when she was done.

Since Angela had been complaining to her doctor, though quietly in order not to worry her husband, of headaches, weakness, and slight dizziness accompanied by sometimes a slight acceleration of her pulse, he had ordered some tests which she had taken a few days ago, and the results would be sent them to him so they discussed them during this particular appointment.

She donned the gown for her ultrasound, and the nurse told her the doctor would personally perform it today. She was pleasantly surprised, as she knew he was usually too busy, and would delegate to the radiologist, and would come in the room afterwards. Once she was ready and waiting, the doctor greeted her as cordially as ever, but Angela was a heart person, and she sensed something odd about his manner, but she tried to chalk it up to being overworked, there were certainly a lot of patients in the waiting room.

She let the magic of the moment engulf her, and she shed many happy tears as she saw her sweet baby moving happily inside, sucking her thumb while she danced inside her. The doctor assured her the baby was developing according to schedule, and that she was perfectly healthy; he spent some time taking her measurements and doing the regular stuff and putting it on record.

After they were done, she wiped her belly off the gel and she changed into her clothes behind the curtain, following the doctor to the office, where they would discuss her test results and how the final stretch of her pregnancy would go, planning for the birth and to discuss her questions.

Cam was sorry she had missed the appointment, wanting to see the baby first hand, but she had to help Seeley with the mess at evidence, cross-checking with him every step through the emails the interns were sending on every part of the evidence as she discussed them with him over the phone. She was thankful that they were so well-trained, since that meant she didn't have to bolt and leave Angela to drive herself home.

Though she didn´t want to think it, the memory of Brennan would come into her mind at the most random times, and now, when she saw the fruits of her labor in play as she saw the quality of the interns she had left behind, it was inevitable. While it was true they never shared a bond as deep as the one that had existed between Brennan and Angela, they had reached a very amicable understanding, and they worked in harmony, ultimately moving towards a true friendship by the time Brennan had fled. It was a well-oiled machine that had come to a grinding halt when Brennan chose to leave out of the blue, moved by fear and despair.

Apart from Booth, who had lost his parents at an early age, Cam was perhaps the only person to understand the blinding pain of losing a parent, and in Brennan's case, having to relieve the pain of losing her only living parent once more: for almost 2 decades, the anthropologist had dealt with the loss of her parents, thinking them dead, and then Max had reappeared, opening old wounds and then staying despite the risk it implied for him, until he managed to give his daughter the closure she had spent her whole life pursuing. Cam had seen how little by little, they were rebuilding the trust lost between them, and she felt a deep pain for her colleague when she heard Max had died, this time for real, and how devastated Brennan must be feeling.

She could understand Brennan's need for solitude: when her own mother had died, Cam had allowed herself a few days of practically being catatonic, crippled by the pain of losing her rock, her sweet mother, until she realized it was up to her to put her whole family back together. But what she couldn't understand is the way Brennan had chosen to deal with her pain, and how much she had hurt her friends by abandoning them without a chance for them to comfort her or talk her out of her rash decision, the only permanent family she would have left, as Russ was obviously too focused on his own family, caring for his sick child, to be able to support his sister the way she needed it.

However, she had refused their comfort, their love, and Angela had felt betrayed that her best friend, her chosen sister hadn't allowed her to be the shoulder to lean on to overcome this tragedy, breaking her heart in the process. They all knew Brennan's flight reflex was extremely well honed, and that she had only left them a letter, not even specifying when she would return was a hard blow. The machine had certainly come to a halt, and while she and Angela were friends, and she could understand, from a woman's perspective, how Angela was feeling, what broke her heart the most was seeing her dear friend in pain.

Poor Seeley had seemed like a ghost the days after she had left, his eyes had lost all the sparkle they usually had, and Cam knew he was suffering from a badly broken heart, not as a friend, but as a man in love: ever since she had come to the lab, and they had briefly rekindled their affair, she knew Temperance Brennan meant something more to Seeley than a partner. His fierce loyalty, his devotion to her went beyond the boundaries of friendship or partnership, and when he didn't think anyone was looking, the longing in his eyes as he stared at his friend and partner was even painful for her to watch. Once she got over the sting of being dumped, and her ruffled feathers her soothed, Cam began rooting for them secretly, and she hoped they got their act together, and accepted what everyone saw: that despite being polar opposites, they were made for each other.

She didn't have a doubt Brennan also felt something intensely profound for him: at first, she guessed Brennan desired him, and she couldn't blame her, since Seeley was a very fine male specimen, and with all the moral qualities that made him a perfect catch, but as she became witness to their interactions, her intuition told her Brennan loved him but must be terrified of letting herself open to him, and with her history, it was understandable, but Seeley was nothing if patient, and she saw how he tenderly tore each brick of the wall she had erected around herself little by little, day by day. So, when she bolted and left them all, Cam knew the fear had won her over, a paradox since she was normally so fearless in the face of danger, however, the fear of risking her heart was too much for her to bear, and knowing that in their line of work, and given their track record, she could lose Booth, a fact made evident when Pam Noonan had shot him and they had believed it had been a fatal blow, it had made her flee, for good.

She had tried to be there as his friend, she had consoled him as they silently had their drinks after cases, she had held his hand and pretended she didn't see his red-rimmed eyes from held-back tears, so she was surprised when suddenly his whole countenance changed. It seemed like a small flame was beginning to glow in his chocolate eyes, and when one day, she saw him softly kissing Angela in her office after everyone had left, she realized the pull of pain had brought them together.

She didn't want them to hurt, and at the same time she didn't want them to turn to each other simply for comfort, because they were both heart people and they didn't deserve anything less than pure love. However, when she realized Seeley had broken the news to Hodgins, she realized it wasn't just about comfort, there was truly a chance for more, and despite knowing the fit between them wouldn't be perfect, she prayed they found what they were looking for in the other. As time passed, and Angela turned to her in confidence, she realized Angela had always felt a physical attraction to him, even from the beginning, but she had toned it down due to the respect she felt to Brennan, knowing how slow she was in terms of emotions, giving her time to act and pushing her in Seeley's direction. But now, both of them having been deserted, she knew they both needed this opportunity to heal together, to love and be happy.

Both their eyes were slowly losing the cast of pain that had seemed to fog them, and when they announced they would marry, she was honestly glad, though she felt a wave of sadness as well: sadness because she knew that no matter how much Seeley grew to love Angela, his love for her wouldn't compare to the one he had felt for Brennan, and Angela, Cam was certain, would be aware of this, her amazing bravery both amazing and stunning Cam; sadness for Hodgins, who valiantly tried to hide how much it pained him to lose the woman he adored; and above all, deep sadness for Brennan, because she knew somehow the anthropologist had to be in the loop of everything going on in the lab, and it must be killing her that she had lost her chance to be with the one man who had loved her through it all.

But Cam did what she did best: she worked to restore the delicate balance of the lab, and little by little, it had finally happened. The machine was working again, not as perfectly as before, but well above average so she allowed herself the calm and the peace. This is what she had been hired to do, and she was doing it to the best of her abilities, and one day, she had been stunned to see Hodgins looking at her, leaning against her office door, with a sad smile on his lips, simply telling her, "Without you, none of us would be here, thank you for doing what no one else was brave enough to do", before he left after giving her a lingering look, and she had allowed herself to shed a tear or two when she was certain no one else would be witness. Sometimes, she had wondered if anyone noticed how hard she worked to keep the lab running smoothly, to restore the peace that had been lost, as their personal lives had become so intricately connected, and to be acknowledged, to know someone had seen her own pain and efforts was a boost to her own battered heart, particularly coming from perhaps the most wounded party at the moment.

But time had a way to smooth things over, and the balance was indeed restored, and she could breathe more freely around the lab: They continued living, working, bringing justice to those who couldn't fight for themselves, and sometimes, the passing memory of the haunting ghost came to visit. As a friend, she had finally let go of her own sense of anger as she saw Seeley smile and love more, and as a woman, she could feel nothing but sorrow and empathy for a woman who hadn't learn to understand the pull of her own heart, having had to learn to reject her own emotions due to necessity, and Cam knew, paying the price for it, wherever she was now; she knew someone as strong as Brennan would be deeply offended, but she couldn't help herself from pitying her.

When she saw Angela exiting the doctor's office, with a smile on her lips, and her hand firmly caressing her bump, she said, "Sorry, sorry! It was a mess, but it's all sorted now, or I hope it will be. Is everything ok?" she asked, and Angela, giving her one of those enigmatic smiles that was so usual of her, replied, "It will be perfect, just as it should be. Take me to lunch, I'm starving!", she teased, and they both exited the waiting room, Cam never noticing that Angela's grip on her arm was much stronger, and her step the tiniest bit more unsure.


	5. And lightning is finally striking

**My dear friends, thank you for the encouraging words and nice reviews! Also for the critics, because they push me to write better…**

 **Delays in reposting have been caused by me being seriously ill, and in serious pain, all part of the combo that is the illness I have been dealing with for the past 6 years, and as I've told you, I don't want my own personal pain to taint this story more than it should…**

 **To ANSWER the review left by Guest, I want to make something clear: the writers did say that they thought Angela and Booth could be an item, but that they thought that the B &A friendship wouldn't survive, so they chose not to travel that road…**

 **That being said, I want to clarify once and for all what Brennan did, what her betrayal was: she did to Booth, Angela and the rest of her chosen family what her own family did to hers, leave them without a reason, without an explanation, knowing how much it would break their hearts, but only caring about her own pain, and above all, letting the fear of loss actually drive her into losing everyone. Max died, he was killed, and let's remember that she had just started trusting him, and opening her heart to him, and they were building a relationship, THANKS TO BOOTH, who actually begged her to let Max stay in the lab, so as irrational as it may be, when a child loses their parent in such way, it feels like a betrayal, like they have been left alone.**

 **So Brennan might have been angry at Booth at first because he was the one who pushed her to open up to him, but I'M NOT MAKING ANYONE THE BAD GUY! I'm showing the frailty of someone who doesn't know how to deal with emotions, and I'm showing that decisions are like rocks on a pond, the shockwaves touch every part of it, in this case every person who was close to Brennan, and Angela and Booth were good friends to begin with, and sharing the pain, the hurt and the betrayal of losing someone they both loved and trusted pushed them together, and they already had a good foundation for a relationship.**

 **So, explanation time over, let's continue!**

She couldn´t believe she was back. As she stared at the feathery clouds surrounding the clear blue sky, the stark contrast to what she was feeling seemed like a sick joke with someone laughing at her expense.

The sky was beautifully clear. Inside her, a storm was unraveling, threatening to tear everything off the ground, inclement and unrelenting, until nothing but destruction was left.

She honestly never thought she´d be back, despite her letter saying she considered it.

She´d sworn to herself she would never return. She knew both in her mind and in her heart that she had no right to return to the life she had left behind, and even less, to _him,_ but even if both mind and heart were telling her she was in for the rejection of a lifetime, she couldn´t stay away.

The minute she got that email, her mind starting chanting. _Go back. Go back. Go back._ It pounded so hard in her ears she couldn´t deny the pull it had on her, even it if went against every bit of rationality she possessed, knowing she was definitely going to be burned to the core..

She was so lost in her thoughts she was startled when the flight attendant spoke to her, "Miss, would you like anything to drink?"

She tried to put on a kind smile for the woman who was only doing her job, masking the inner battle she was dealing with, and replied, "Perhaps just some iced water".

The flight attendant nodded, and she instantly placed an elegant tall glass in her service table.

"You didn´t succeed", the woman stated, and Brennan just raised her eyebrows in confusion, making the flight attendant smile kindly, "I have a knack for knowing hen people who were traveling didn´t have fun or succeeded, and I can´t tell you didn´t have a good time wherever you were".

She stared out of the window, and sipped on her water before answering, "I… I certainly didn´t achieve the expected results".

"Then it will be good to be back home. Because you´re going home, right?", the stewardess asked, intrigued by the beautiful woman with the saddest eyes she had ever seen. It was not like her to approach her charges like that, or even come close as prying into their personal business, because it went against everything she was trained to do as an air hostess, but from the moment she saw the striking woman step foot on the first-class cabin, she could tell this woman had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She ate like the food had no taste, she drank like she didn´t need the sustenance, she even breathed like she didn´t need the air, or like if the effort to do so was too strenuous. She didn´t understand why, but she felt drawn to her, and she couldn´t imagine why someone with so much beauty would be hurting so deeply.

"I… I don´t know yet, I don't know if I can call it home", was her honest reply. By the tired tone of her voice, the flight attendant knew that was her cue to leave, and she simply replied, "I'm certain things will turn out all right for you", and when the woman didn't reply, she nodded and turned on her heels, but she couldn´t help but clasp the cross that always hung on her neck in her hands for a moment, and said a prayer because this woman certainly needed it, and with a brief glance back, she continued with her chores.

Brennan tried to rest, but as it was the case ever since she had left, it eluded her. And the reason behind her being on this plane was the exact same reason she couldn´t close her eyes and give in to her exhaustion.

Memories came flooding back. Memories of laughter. Memories of movie nights and "gloo gloo hoo hoo", or whatever it is she called them. Memories of girl talk and understanding. Memories of being part of something, of a family that was now broken, because of her.

Her earlier answer to the stewardess was nothing but true.

She didn´t even know if she had a home anymore.

But there was no way she could stay away.

And that was the burden. Knowing that most likely, she was going to an empty nest, with no way to fill it.

She stepped out of her silver Mercedes, the latest one she had received from the publishing company before she cut all ties with this world, with _her_ world, the one she hadn't even cared in selling, even if she had planned to never return.

She focused her eyes on the myriad of people walking back and forth through the gardens, and she wasn´t surprised by the grand congregation. Her friend had been loved by many. Her easygoing nature had always made her approachable and kind, and in the lab, she had become the bridge that communicated them with the real world.

And now the bridge was gone.

And all people could do was stare at each other from the other side of the shore they were standing, not knowing how to cross over.

The most painful thing was knowing that from her side of the shore, she was standing completely and utterly alone.

She smoothed her coat and skirt, dressed "all girly", a picture of perfect beauty, as Angela would have wanted, a tribute to a friendship lost to the world, but never in her heart.

Since the large doors were opened wide, she entered, and she tried to pass unnoticed, at least while she tried to get a feelings of things.

Yes, this place screamed her in every single bit. She had always marveled at her friend´s ability to put parts of her personality in every object, and in this house, her hand was so clear it was painful to watch. The expensive paintings, the artwork, the colors, she had made _them_ a home. The hand of the artist, but more, the hand of a woman who wanted to create a life, a family, was visible. The lump in her throat felt like needles poking her insides.

She wanted to cry, but she didn´t have the luxury of shedding the tears she longed to cry. And keeping them inside would be her punishment.

She lost her bravery and she turned to walk away until a hand rested on her shoulder, and even without turning, by the gently grip, she knew who it was.

She sighed, and met a set of very red, very pained blue eyes.

Her bottom lip quivered, and he only nodded. He understood. Just the fact that she was here was enough to let him know she still cared, even if forever she would be labeled as unfeeling, ungrateful, a betrayer. However, he knew that probably she was feeling this more deeply than any of them.

Because she didn´t have luxury of being surrounded by a warm blanket of comfort, of hugs and kindness: She was out there, cold and alone, in a vast desert of loneliness, losing the only real sister she had.

But she knew he saw. Her eyes were dry, but they could have been shedding a thousand tears for all the pain that could be read in them. He didn´t need to see them to know. He had known ever since they were buried alive, how skillfully she hid her emotions, how she did what it had to be done, how she could swallow it all.

His grip on her shoulder became stronger, and without thinking, he pulled her into a tight hug, a hug that was meant to heal them both, a hug that spoke volumes of their shared pain, of the regret they would always feel regarding the woman that had just fled their lives.

She could only close her eyes and for some precious seconds, she let her mind absorb the feeling of knowing that not all the world despised her, even if she despised herself. She felt the compassion, the sympathy that was unspoken in the way he held her against his chest, and she relished the feeling so long forgotten.

But that feeling would never last. It was doomed to vanish as soon as she took notice of it.

Because that was her curse.

She felt a set of eyes piercing her back, like holes drilling into her skin, and the intensity scared her so deeply she only wanted to flee, even if the same emotionally irrational need to be here had driven her half across the globe.

It was hate, it was regret, it was anger, it was broken promises, it was unspoken words, it was a thousand moments of " _what ifs",_ all in one. And there was only one person who could evoke so many feelings with a single look.

The hand that was against her waist started letting go, but not before giving her a gentle squeeze, trying to give her the sympathy he knew it would never come from anyone else in the room. In their eyes, she didn´t deserve it, and she knew it was rightly justified.

She turned her face, and in that moment she knew that worse than knowing the people she loved would never forgive her, that there was someone who was no longer able to forgive her, it was accepting that perhaps it was her own self-hatred that would never allow her to forgive herself.

She sighed and raised her face to meet his, her blue eyes conveying the storm inside, and for a minuscule moment, his features softened, like before, when he forgave her faux passes and her awkwardness, knowing she needed him to lead her step so she didn't falter. He could see pain in another soul because he felt it in his own every single day, but what was worse was seeing it in hers, because he didn't want to see it, he didn't' want to accept she had the right to feel as much sorrow as he was feeling, he didn't want to give her the luxury.

And how beautiful the paradox was. As much as its owner.

And that part of him that he had buried came sprinting back to life, and he despised himself for it.

Because he had spent the last 3 years willing his soul to hate her, to vanish the memory of her both from mind and heart.

And he realized he had been a fool. Because ghosts only haunted those who were willing to see them. And he had never let go. Hating her was as possible for him as waiting for a snowstorm in the middle of the desert. It would never happen, no matter how much you wished for it.

Her eyes were moist, and she understood why practicing a speech in moments like these didn´t help. Her throat felt like someone had run an emery board and had a field day there, and no matter how much she tried, no sound would come out.

He felt a pair of hands on his shoulders, urging him to move, but he wouldn´t budge. He understood the concern behind the gesture, but he wouldn´t run. He wouldn´t do what she did. He could be strong, he could stand his ground.

 _How dare you._

 _I´m sorry, so very sorry._

 _You left._

 _I wish I had stayed._

The four people witnessing this moment, the ones truly closest to them, were both awed and terrified by what they could see. They couldn´t believe that after all this time, after all the heartache, they could still act like the rest of the world didn´t exist, moving in a private place where no one but them was allowed. And they realized how foolish they had been in waiting (or hoping) for that love to be extinguished so they were both free. A feeling that had been forged in so much despair could only be so unwilling to die, or be killed.

 _I needed you._

 _So did I. I was afraid, so afraid._

 _She´s gone._

 _I know, I wish it was me instead._

Their mouths hadn´t moved, but their eyes were saying it all.

 _You broke me._

 _I know._

 _She saved me._

 _I know, I know._

 _She´s gone._

 _I´m sorry I wasn´t here._

Looking at the cold, dark pits that were his eyes, eyes that had always been soft and warm whenever they gazed at her in the past, the sorrow and void she found there brought a chill to her spine. She was going to have to pay the sentence, and how bitter it would be, for them both.

She didn´t know how to read people, but certainly she knew how to read him, and she knew what he needed.

He needed to vent his sorrow, his anger, his loneliness into someone. And she would be the perfect pool where he wanted to drown, to forget. She could be the target for all the darkness inside, no matter what way he chose to do it, because she needed it too.

Yes, she could be strong. For him, even if she felt like the weak link in the chain of the bond, she would be.

Even if she died trying.

And the look of perfect despair he gave her, how badly he wanted to run from the cold that was threatening to overcome his soul, was enough for her.

And she would never forget. Remembering the man he had once been, the man she had destroyed, the man her best friend had rebuilt from the ashes she left behind would forever be etched in her mind.

And he must be feeling as dead as she was. She stopped feeling alive the day she left.

And being alive was such an inconvenience in moments like this.

But that was her punishment. Being spared while the righteous ones became another casualty of the war that was life, or as he used to call it, fate.

For them, she would have to keep remembering.

Because if he wanted to forget, if he wanted to continue being lost inside himself, she would have to be the one to make him remember who he was and who he had been, not for her.

For him alone.

Love was also an inconvenience. Mostly when she spent her whole life despising it, analyzing it, rationalizing it.

Talk about your own words coming back to slap you in the face. She could even feel the imprint on her face as it had been real.

How do you wake the dead? She was about to face the impossible, and make it a reality. And for a moment, despite her innate inclination to think or believe otherwise, she prayed, she prayed for a miracle that perhaps would never come.

 **I warned you this would be angsty, I know most of you will be angry at me, but remember that this is simply a reediting of a previously published story in another site, and I was feeling it very strongly. I honestly didn't like Angela much during S4, I mean, I love the character, but the way she treats people sometimes leaves me baffled, and she was so mean to Hodgins, she acted like the only one allowed her feelings was her…**

 **However, I didn't choose this path because of it, I did it because in my way of seeing things, I do believe in the goodness inside of her, and that she would have done everything to push Bren and Booth to be together, and that knowing fate was stepping in the middle, she would have done the most of it.**

 **I will explain what happened in full detail in the next installment…**

 **Hope I´m not thrown too many metaphorical tomatoes because of this… Hope you can stay with me after this.**


	6. The truth feels like a sledgehammer

**Hello, my dear Friends! I'm back with a new chappie. Sorry for the delay, but I was terribly sick, I skipped hospitalization only because my sister is a doctor and she knew how to give me an in-house treatment, and besides, the risk of catching a bug was too great, so you can guess my mind was too fuzzy with pain to be able to write something remotely coherent.**

 **Now THIS CHAPTER explains what happened to Angela, I'll try to be as clear and too technical with the medicine, though accurate as well.**

 **I would recommend listening to "This woman's work", by Kate Bush. It's a beautiful song, and for me, it truly touches the heartstrings. While I wrote this, I remembered the movie where I first heard it (She's having a baby, with Kevin Bacon), and it inspired me, the feels more than the mechanics of the scene. Anyway, if you find any resemblance, it's only in the parallel of what happens for men becoming fathers, and the lyrics picture Booth's feelings perfectly.**

 **It's so long it'll have to be broken in two, but I tried to portray the reasons behind Booth's reaction to Bren in the following chappies…**

 **Hope you enjoy…**

Truth feels like a sledgehammer

He had always prided himself his ability to be highly perceptive, almost to the point of almost seeming like he could read other people´s minds, a skill that had served him well during his time in the military, and then in the Bureau: as a sniper, part of his success was based on the fact that he knew how to evaluate all the variables in the environment around him so he could determine the absolute best moment for him to take that fateful, determining shot. Sometimes, he cursed this ability, his moral compass at odds with what was being asked of him, though his priest and confessor in the Army, Father Aldo Clemens, reassured him every single time he went to confession that he wasn't betraying his beliefs or morals by enacting an alternate method for ridding the world of an evil that refused to be extinguished otherwise. But remembering cases like that of his former mentor, Jacob Broadsky, who got so caught up in his obsession for justice he began acting like both judge and executioner.

And in the FBI, though he knew his former partner and love interest, Dr. Temperance Brennan, or Bones, as he had called her affectionately (a name that he only called in his mind a handful of times, due to the innate pain the memory of her always brought) was baffled and tried a million times to rationalize his ability to follow his instincts without any factual evidence (though sometimes the facts he did possess through their investigations aided quite a lot in his pursuit of the truth, helping to piece it all together), and to discover the truth behind the lies of the criminals they chased during their time as partners. He knew she wanted to be able to do it, she had never wanted to be dependent on him, but what she possessed in genius and scientific knowledge, she lacked in the human arena, her fleeing their lives an excellent example of how little skill she had in dealing with her emotions and inner conflicts.

But the moment he had decided to give himself and Angela a real, honest-to-God chance to work as a couple, he had managed to move on, for real, to be happy with such a lively, passionate, tender woman as Angela, and the thought of her only visited, and he hoped that in time, that memory would vanish for good, and only the bitter aftertaste would remain.

But fate had a way to mess up the best of plans, as he had learned time and again during his lifetime. He was truly happy for the first time in a very long, and his heart was bursting with joy as he and Angela basked in the anticipation of the child they had created, their plans for the future.

Now, as he stood before the mirror in a black suit, fixing the cufflinks his wife had given him on his last birthday together, a tiny pair of custom-made silver guns and dices interlocking, staring at his haunted expression, he wondered how on Earth this had escaped him.

He hadn't noticed that for the past weeks, his wife had seemed a bit nostalgic, though he had assumed it was the "pregnancy blues", as Cam had explained during their conversations, and sometimes he had found her staring at him with a look he had been unable to interpret, a look he now could see was her way of saying goodbye little by little, just in case things went downhill, a secret she had kept to herself like the best of secret agents. He could understand she had remained silent so fear and despair didn't taint the last weeks of her pregnancy, but now he felt an anger he couldn't understand or defuse. He was angry at Bones for leaving, at Angela for being so brave she hadn't let him share in her worry, for creating a fantasy that had ultimately ended in the nightmare he was stuck in now, at himself for being so set on creating this new life he failed to notice what his eyes would have shown him otherwise.

His mind went back to the moment it had all gone to Hell…

 _He was sleeping on his side, spooning her from behind, his hands resting on the swell of her belly, and hers on top of his, always attentive to her every need. He knew the last stretch in pregnancy was definitively the hardest, and he wanted to help her be as comfortable as possible. She had been on maternal leave for the past 3 weeks, and he had been surprised by this decision as she had always said she would work until the last minute because she felt perfectly fine, but about a month ago she had claimed she was too exhausted to keep regular lab hours, given her belly was growing quite a lot, and he was glad DD Hacker was very understanding of his need to have a flexible schedule so he could be of assistance to his wife if she needed him. He didn't think of questioning her, trusting her judgment, and more than glad that she was putting her safety and their baby's first, never seeing past her motives._

 _He was startled into wakefulness when he heard an audible moan coming from her, and he instantly moved her so she was lying on her back, and he saw her panting, and grabbing her belly right below his hands, and now he could feel the skin below his hand was unusually tight._

" _Ange, what is it? Is it…", she smiled nervously, and finished the thought for him, "Yes, it's time", he could see her nerves indeed, but her eyes were shinning with emotion, and he felt a rush of excitement at the news that in a few hours, he would get to meet his new baby girl. He smiled, and kissed her lips sweetly, feeling her own respond in kind, both excited at the events that would take place._

" _Is this the first?", he asked, referring to her contractions, and she hesitated, "I… I don't know, last night I felt several twinges, but I've been having Braxton-Hicks, so I assumed it was more of the same thing. I guess the indigestion I had last night and those were the first signs of labor", he nodded and kissed her again._

" _Do we have time, or do we need to rush?", she understood he wanted to know if they had enough time to take showers and get ready, or if they had to rush to the hospital right away._

" _Yeah, they are apart enough that we can go without running. I'd like a shower and if you could fix me some toast and orange juice, that'd be nice. I don't want to be thinking that I'm starving while I give birth, and I´m sure I won't be able to think about food when I´m in the middle of labor", he smiled at her, "Ok, then I'll go make us breakfast while you get ready, and then I'll get ready myself", he stood and from then on, the morning seemed to rush, though he marveled at his wife's calm even in the face of the most monumental moment for them as a couple._

 _Time seemed to pass both at a snail's pace and at lightning speed. They had been settled in a private birthing room, and it was a nice, cozy place, but he could see her getting paler with every contraction, and to be honest, he was starting to get worried because there was a frailty to her demeanor that he had never seen in her, but he didn't want to add to her already heavy burden with his worries, so he settled for holding her hand, wiping her forehead, helping her sip from her water as she demanded, rubbing her back so she was comfortable, and the doctor had come in about 30 minutes ago to tell them that he thought a C-section was the best option at the moment, but that they had had some grave emergencies in the delivery room, and they were waiting for one of the rooms to be available so they could move her._

 _Booth had been startled, as Angela had told him several times she wanted natural childbirth without an epidural, saying that "childbirth was a beautiful thing", and that she wanted to experience it all to the fullest, but that she hadn't even fought the doctor worried him greatly: he didn't understand why the doctor would choose such an extreme course of action and change their birthing plan since things were moving fine, albeit a tad slow, but he didn't thing of questioning his medical expertise at the moment. He just wanted her pain to be over._

 _Now he could remember that he had thought the doctor and his wife had shared a "look", but he had brushed it off: now he could see his intuition had been screaming at him to notice what was happening right before his eyes, a shadow of the fate awaiting them._

 _A new nurse had come in about a half hour after that to tell them they were moving her in about another 30 minutes, but before that half hour was over, Angela bolted in bed, and she groaned audibly, grabbing her belly, and twisting in bed. He instantly asked, "What is it?", up until now, her water hadn't broken, and she was just about 4 centimeters dilated, "I don't… know", she screamed, "Something's wrong!", she said, and they both moved the sheets to see that instead of murky, clear water wetting her sheets, her white bed sheets were coated in a large puddle of blood. Her eyes widened, and he instantly pushed the call button like a madman, screaming at the same time, "Nurse!, Nurse! Help!", and as he was about to go look for one of the shift nurses, Angela grabbed his hand, stopping him, "Ange, I have to go for help!", he protested desperately, and she shook her head, simply saying, "I love you, Seeley, and whatever happens, don't ever forget that I love you, a whole lot", her eyes were brimming with tears, and he pressed a desperate kiss against her forehead, wanting to reassure her, "I love you too, Ange, you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me", he said softly, "Let me go please, I have to look for help", he was about to stand up when a team of nurses moved into the room._

 _As soon as they saw the red-stained sheets, the one he knew was the chief nurse explained, "We're going to the delivery room, Mr. Booth, you can go with us, as long as you do everything we tell you, and you don't stand in our way, the doctor is already there, he's scrubbing in", they rushed through the hallways, and he only managed to hold her hand, feeling something painful in his chest when he had to let go of her hand. He moved to change into surgical scrubs, washing his hands as instructed, and before he knew it he was in the OR again, and Angela already had a curtain that covered her belly, and the doctors had a tray with surgical instruments that made him cringe, because no matter how many times he had seen similar or even worse than these in the lab, he realized those sharp objects were going to be used to cut his beautiful wife wide open._

 _He moved to stand besides Angela's head, as instructed, and he caressed her forehead, her eyes opening, and filling with tears. He kissed her forehead, and sat in a small stool a nurse brought him, telling him softly, "Try and keep her calm, she won't feel any pain, but she might feel the instruments moving inside of her, and that can unsettle her", he nodded, and simply said soothing encouraging words._

 _However, he could feel a strange tension in the room, and what was worse, he could see they were rushing to get his baby out, and he finally dared ask, "What's happening? "what's wrong?", no one had explained what her blood had meant in the rush to get her here, and he hadn't wanted to make them waste time in giving explanations when time was all they needed._

" _Seeley", the doctor said without moving his eyes from his working hands, "Angela has a placental abruption, we have to get your baby out, there are early signs of distress", Booth wasn't versed in medical jargon, but this he could get, and he instantly clasped Angela´s hand tighter, feeling her own fingers clasp his as desperately, both only thinking on the safety of their baby._

 _He looked at the clock on the wall, and while he naturally stayed away from the blood and gore of the murder investigations, he was determined to get past his shortcomings, and he stood to see his baby be born, not even caring that he was literally seeing inside Angela as they moved her organs around to get to his child. It was less than 5 minutes before it was done, but the expression that timed seemed to stretch or shorten depending on what was going on around you was certainly true, because to him it seemed like hours before they took the baby out, and the doctor cut the cord speedily so the neonatologists took her to an incubator close by. He held his breath while he saw the doctor massaging her chest, while another cleared her tiny nose and mouth, and before a minute passed, she gave an angry, but very determined wail that made the tears he was holding back finally fall down his cheeks. He told Angela, "She's crying, Ange! She's fine!", Angela was also crying, but now her face had an incredible peaceful expression as she smiled serenely, a expression Booth knew he would never forget while he roamed the Earth._

 _A nurse approached them, and she was carrying the small bundle that was his little girl in a soft pink woolen blanket, placing her in Booth's awaiting arms. Booth marveled at the perfect beauty of the child, which was a perfect blend of both her parents, she had Booth´s eye shape but Angela´s color, his cheekbones, but her full lips, and she was whimpering, clearly unhappy at having been vacated so abruptly from her cozy nest inside her mother, but the moment she sensed she was in her father's arms, her cries turned to soft coos. He sat down carefully, moving like he was carrying the most fragile, precious cargo ever, and he moved his arms so Angela could see their beautiful child._

" _She's so beautiful, Ange", he said, clearly enamored with his baby girl, and Angela gave him a tired, but peaceful smile. "She is, and you're going to take care excellent care of her", she said, and he shook his head, confused, "We BOTH are, Ange", Angela smiled once more, and she moved one of her hands to touch the baby, who instinctively clasped her tiny hand around her mother's index, Booth letting his tears fall at the beauty of the moment, at the perfect connection between mother and child, awed that he was finally getting his dream of a family, though it was different from what he had once envisioned, but for him, it was as perfect as it could be._

" _I'll love you both forever, Seeley. Always, you made my dreams come true, I love you", she said serenely, and suddenly her eyes closed, her head tilted to the side, and her hand fell limp on her side. The baby started crying piteously at the lack of contact, and he started rocking and murmuring softly, her cries turning to whimpers as he cradled her close to his chest. His eyes went to the doctors, and for the first time, he noticed the obvious distress in their faces, and amidst the chaos, he heard disjointed phrases like, "She's losing too much blood…", "Bring me 3 units of O neg…"…, the frantic "She's bradying down!"… and finally, the fateful, "Seeley, step outside, now!", he was about to argue, but the doctor fixed him with a stare he had only seen in his own eyes when he resolutely said, "If you don't, I won't be able to save her, take him to NICU, I'll find you there, NOW!", he didn't remember how he found himself cradling his baby girl, sitting in a rocking chair, simply staring at her perfect beauty while she napped, seeing the minutes tick endlessly on the clock and not knowing what was happening to his wife, not even understanding how a perfect moment had gone to proverbial Hell in a few moments._

 _All he knew is that something in his gut told him that with every passing minute, he knew the chance of the news being positive was dimming. He even turned to praying the Rosary, and he even had enough time to finish it before the doctor found him. He was about to stand, but the doctor motioned for him to continue sitting with the baby, and instead, brought a stool to sit in front of him. He swallowed hard, because the look he had on his face was the same one he was certain he sported every single time he had to go a relative of one of his victims to tell them the sad news. He only managed to ask gruffly, "How bad is it?", because he was still hopeful that while the situation was certainly dire, it was salvageable..._

 _But the next words turned his world upside down, "Seeley, Angela had a placental abruption, that you know, everything was under control, but then she had what we call a uterine atony", seeing his confused look, he moved to explain, "After childbirth, the muscles in the uterus need to contract from being stretched during pregnancy to stem the blood flow and prevent hemorrhaging, but her uterus wasn't responding. We tried to massage, but we didn't have enough time, she was bleeding too much, and I had to perform an emergency hysterectomy, and we gave her as much blood as we could, but not before her heart went into an arrhythmia, and she went into arrest", Booth felt a wave of something eerily cold surround him, and before he could ask the question, the doctor, who had become a friend during his time as their OB gyn, continued, "Seeley, there's something you need to know, something Angela ordered me not to disclose unless… something happened", seeing Booth's confused expression, he took a deep breath, and sighed, rubbing his tired, pale face, before seemingly gathering the strength to speak, "You know Angela's mom died when she was born", Booth nodded, "Angela didn't know what had happened to her mom, but after I studied her medical records, and when I did the regular tests, about 7 weeks ago, I found something unsettling", Booth tried to recall, and it suddenly clicked that 7 weeks ago was the appointment he had missed, the one Cam had gone with, "I found she was suffering from a moderate to severe case of anemia, perhaps hereditary, we don't know, but it's not your regular one, but one that could seriously affect her health, given that she was already so far along", Booth cradled the baby tighter to his chest, as if to draw strength to listen to the doctor's words, "I prescribed some medication to help her. You might have noticed she was more of a carnivore than ever?", Booth nodded again, numb and stunned as each dot was joined to create the landscape of the disaster that been forming in the horizon, "I was afraid for her, since she did complain of sometimes feeling short of breath, and that could be a sign of the anemia affecting her heart rate", now Booth remembered that lately, sometimes as they were making dinner together, she seemed to be tiring more than usual, and she told him it was simply the large belly tiring her, but it was bad enough that she had to sit down at a stool for several minutes before she could gather her strength, and he remembered how everything she fooled him into believing nothing was wrong, "I was confident, Seeley, that she would be all right, but what no one could count on, since it's such a sudden development, was her placenta detaching, and all that happened after that. Her heart wasn't strong enough… I did everything, Seeley, everything, to bring her back, but…", Booth swallowed hard, and didn't even care about the tears now falling down his face, "Is she…?", the doctor shook his head._

" _I don't know", was his answer. Booth, mindful of the baby, didn't shout, but his soft voice was worse than a scream in its ferocity, "What do you mean you don't know if she's dead?!", the doctor sighed, "We… we were able to get her back, but… she was down too long, Seeley. I… I felt I owed it to her to try, and as doctors, we feel that in these cases, we owe it to the patient, because of the babies, and we do it because the CPR usually protects the brain, as we remain pumping blood that reaches the brain, but… there are signs… Seeley… We need to determine if… her brain is still working", Booth had been around scientists long enough to understand what the doctor was unable to say._

" _You mean you need to figure out if she's brain dead?", the doctor's eyes filled with tears, and Booth felt bad for the man, because he knew he considered him and Angela friends, but he was too wrapped up in his own grief, and at his defeated nod, Booth knew his life was about to change._

" _Why didn't she… want me to know? She knew I would have been there for her, no matter what", Booth said, his voice hollow, and Dr. Thornton continued, "She said the same thing, she knew, Seeley, she did, that you would do everything to be there for her. But she hoped things would resolve, and I couldn't break confidentiality, no matter how many times I begged her to tell you or to let ME tell you. She begged, and then ordered me to remain silent: she told me that she didn't want to fill you with the same worry she was feeling, and that if things went ok, you would be none the wiser, and if things went wrong, either way, there was nothing you could do to change the outcome. However…", he sighed again, "The thing is I recommended that we perform a scheduled C-section right away, but the baby was still too small, and even though I told her the incubator was a good option, she wouldn't risk her. We had already established that when labor started, the C-section would occur either way. She… just wanted to do what was best for your child, Seeley. But we had never imagined it would come to this… I am so sorry", the man was choking up, and Booth rearranged the baby so he could put a hand on Dr. Thornton´s shoulder, "Dr… Julian, I don't blame you, because you were only doing your duty, and I can't blame her, because she… God", he sniffled, "she had to go through this alone, and I didn't even notice that something was so wrong with her. I was so happy, and I didn't even see… ", the two remained in silence, the sounds of the machines around them the only thing to break it._

" _What is the next step then?", Booth asked hoarsely, and the doctor raised his head, and met his eyes, "We are performing a series of neurological tests, Seeley, to check her brain activity and functions. We are hoping, but we don't know if she lost oxygen flow to her brain or for how long, she lost more than half her blood volume, and that could have triggered it all", Booth closed his eyes, and wiped his wet cheeks, "Can I see her?", the doctor simply nodded. "Yes, in half an hour or so she will be in the ICU, and you can go sit with her for a while"._

 _From then on, the only certain thing was the feel of his baby peacefully asleep against him. While he stared at her, he marveled at the sacrifice his wife had made without him even knowing it, and the crushing weight of the guilt he now carried inside seemed to swallow him whole: she had deserved his whole heart, and while he knew in her own heart Jack would forever matter to her, she had proved to him she was fully devoted to him, the proof lying quietly on his chest, and he could only berate himself for secretly continuing to both love and hate the memory of the ghost that didn't seem to leave the deepest recesses of his soul, denying himself the chance to appreciate to its full extent the amazing qualities of the woman that had selflessly taken a chance on him and his battered heart...But all he could do was wait, pray and hope._

 _ **Part 2 follows this…**_


	7. Anyway you choose, you cannot win

**And this is the second part**

Any way you choose you cannot win…

 _Even if he was crazy with worry for his wife, he had cried tears of joy as he was able to feed and bathe his girl for the first time, not allowing the nurses to do so, seeing how she clearly enjoyed his contact and his heart felt like bursting when she responded so eagerly to his voice, a sure product of all the hours he had spent reading to Angela's womb: it was the only ray of sun amidst this raging storm that didn't seem to want to relent._

 _He noticed 2 hours had passed already before a nurse came to take him to the ICU. He wanted to take his little girl, but the nurse told him it was better if for the first visit, he went by himself, that the doctor had to clear the baby for such a visit. He laid the baby girl carefully, and she stirred until he placed his large hand on her middle, and his voice and soothing touch seemed to calm her, because she was in deep sleep after a few moments._

 _He didn't take notice of how cold the hospital was, or the smell of antiseptic, or the people as he followed the nurse to the floor. He again did as told, mechanically, only wanting to see his wife with his own eyes. He moved to her cubicle, and his eyes filled as he saw her normally live face filled with a parlor he had never seen: she looked ashen, her cheeks sunken due to the breathing tube connected to a ventilator by her side, wires and things popping from seemingly everywhere. He sat by her side, and simply turned to the nurse and asked, "Can I… Can I touch her? Can I… hold her hand?", the woman nodded, "Yes, but be careful of the wires around her", he sighed, and after a few seconds, simply took her hand, who looked naked without her wedding ring, which he still held in his pocket after she had placed it in his hand before they were moved to the OR, not wanting it to be lost._

 _Once the nurse closed the curtains behind her and he was finally alone, did he finally let himself let go of the grief he had been holding ever since he saw her precious blood staining the hospital bed._

" _Oh Ange, why didn't you tell me? I would have… I´m so sorry, darling, so sorry, you deserved so much more", he bent his head, and he let his tears fall, his lips kissing her fingers, seeing her tanned skin turn moist as every single tear fell on her. He lost track of time while he sat there: he was torn between the desire to be close to his little baby, and he also knew he couldn't leave his wife by herself in this state, never stopping in his prayers to God: he prayed for strength, he prayed for forgiveness, he prayed for his beautiful wife to be strong enough to pull through, for his child to still have a mother. He wasn't aware of the passage of time until the nurse came to tell him visiting hours were over. He tried to reason with her, then he argued, then he begged, but she told him it was against policy, and that it was already night time, and that she would be well taken care of, and that he should rest so he could truly support her. He had lost the will to fight, and he simply bent his body and kissed her forehead, simply muttering "Be strong, my sweet Ange. Keep fighting, for us", and with a last look, he had gone to the NICU. The nurses there were kind enough to let him pass, and he again moved to the small cradle where his baby slept, and he gently took her, settling her against his chest, needing a piece of his wife close to him to remain sane._

 _He rocked her, he caressed her tiny back, and he indulged in the sweet smell all newborns possess. She was so precious, so tiny, his heart broke thinking of the life she would have if her mother didn't make it, and he wondered if he would be enough for her, if he would be a good enough father for this little angel if he didn't have Angela to help him for the ride._

" _Mr. Booth, I´m sorry, but things have settled, and we need to fill the birth certificate, she only appears as baby Booth right now, I explained your situation and they told me they could wait", he nodded. "Her name is…?", he gruffly responded after a few moments of looking at the baby's face, "Angelica. Angelica Booth Montenegro", the nurse smiled sadly at him, aware of his plight, and he continued, "My name is Seeley Joseph Booth, and her mother's…", his voice shook… "her mother's name is Angela Montenegro". He gave her the other details she asked for, and when she was done, she finished with a kind gesture, and she stood to leave, "Thank you, Mr. Booth. I'll make sure this is filled right away", the woman left him, and he was thankful for the silence. The occasional cry of a baby and the movements of the nurses checking on their charges the only thing to disrupt the otherwise calm atmosphere. He should be glad that his baby was healthy, that she was as perfect as he had hoped despite her rough start in life, but he couldn't enjoy this moment fully until he knew his wife was ok._

 _Exhaustion got the best of him, and when his eyes opened, he saw the lights of early morning coming through the blinds. The last time he had taken a look at the clock was almost 3 am, so he guessed he had slept about 3 hours, but he didn't feel rested, though feeling the weight of his child against him kept him grounded, it gave him the hope he needed to face the new day._

 _He kissed the side of her little head, and she stirred a bit, but simply wiggled a bit and settled back down. He looked at her, and thought of men in his same situation._

 _He guessed many would be blaming the child for the loss of their wives or partners, but how could he blame someone so innocent, so pure, and even more in their situation? He understood Angela's reasons, and he was torn between anger at her for keeping it all a secret, and wonder that she loved him so much she had risked everything for both him and their baby._

 _As the minutes passed, he was desperate for news of his wife, but he knew well enough that all results would take time, and he trusted Julian would come to let him know. His cell phone vibrated, and carefully taking it out of his pocket, he saw it was Cam. He spoke gently on the phone, and she explained that the doctor had given them the 101 of Angela in the waiting room the night before. Her apologized for not meeting them, but she dismissed his concern saying it was understandable that he only had the presence of mind to think of Angela and their baby. She asked him if he wanted her to swing by his house and find him a change of clothes so he could shower in the hospital, and he thanked her profusely for her thoughtfulness. She asked him if it was ok for Hodgins to come by, and he said that they were all friends, and that he wouldn't refuse them the chance to see Angela for a little while._

 _From then on, the next 2 days passed excruciatingly slow: he moved from the nursery to the ICU back and forth, and Cam or even Hodgins forced him to take small breaks so he could eat so he didn't pass out. The doctor had also insisted that he go home, but he refused to leave either his wife or child, even if he knew he was being given a wide window, since staying permanently was a luxury not many would have, and he made certain to thank them all so he didn't lose his privileges. He was running on caffeine and adrenaline pumping through his veins like a loose cannon._

 _He ached for Angela to see their girl, but her condition remained the same, and at dawn of the third day, the doctor came, a more somber look on his face. He had dark shadows under his eyes, and he looked decisively pale and exhausted. He was holding the baby, but as the doctor approached him and told him curtly, "Seeley, can we step outside for a moment?", he knew something else must have happened. He placed the baby on the crib, and followed the doctors outside the glass doors._

" _What is it?", he asked tensely, and the doctor gave him a sad look, "Seeley, Angela's heart… it stopped again. We brought her back, once more, we resuscitated her, but… we don't know how much this is damaging her brain activity, how much oxygen she's getting, and… there are signs of early kidney failure"._

" _What are you telling me?", Booth asked tiredly, and Dr. Thornton said, "We have a meeting in 5 minutes, we're going to analyze every single test we have performed, but initially she was responding and now… she's not. We're afraid her body is… shutting down, because of everything we're doing. We're being invasive, Seeley, as much as we can. You know we cracked her chest open in the OR, but she's not stable. I'm meeting the chief neurologists and neurosurgeons, and I'll let you know as soon as we reach a conclusion", Booth nodded, his eyes downcast, fearing and somewhat already sensing the outcome. If her heart was failing, and her kidneys were starting to fail, things could only go south from there. A miracle is what she needed._

 _He had always pretended to be dumb, but he was a well-versed man, and even more after spending so much time with the squints, and as an FBI agent, he could sense bad news a mile away._

 _He went back to the nursery, and again settled for caring for his little girl, for making sure she was safe and content until the doctor returned, 2 hours later, with a look Booth could only define as defeated. Without any words, he placed her on the crib, and told the nurse he was stepping outside for a while, following the doctor through hallways and elevator rides until they reached a new floor which Booth noted held the Neuroscience area._

 _There were 3 middle aged men in white coats waiting, and Dr. Thornton introduced them, "Seeley, this is Dr. Jurslik, our chief neurosurgeon and one of the best in the country; Dr. Witter, neurologist, and a trusted friend and colleague, and Dr. Wills, the internist in charge; doctors, this is Seeley Booth, Angela's husband", after exchanging pleasantries, the 4 of them sat down._

" _Mr. Booth, we analyzed your wife's exams thoroughly, the whole team actually did, and we…", Dr. Jurslik sighed, "I am very sorry to tell you that we all agree that your wife's condition… is irreversible"._

 _Booth swallowed the lump lodged in his throat, and huskily asked, "How can you be… so sure there is nothing you can do for her?"._

 _The doctor then patiently took every chart, every exam, and carefully and gently explained every result, and after a few minutes, Booth felt his chest painfully tight as the evidence was right before his eyes. There was indeed nothing to be done. It seemed God was a bit short on miracles today._

" _Mr. Booth, I am extremely, extremely sorry. We analyzed everything, the last few weeks of your wife's pregnancy, her severe anemia, which was improving greatly as the last blood work she had done 2 weeks ago shows, Dr. Thornton's choice in treatment, but though it seems impossible of us to say this, it was something we could not foresee. The ultrasounds didn't show a sign that could have told us her delivery would turn this way", Dr. Jurslik explained kindly. "Dr. Thornton explained you weren't aware of her condition, and believe me, not even you knowing would have made a difference. Her placental abruption was too sudden, and she didn't respond to the emergency measure taken"._

" _What… what are our choices now?", Booth asked numbly, needing to rely on solid facts to make a decision._

" _Seeley", Dr. Witter began, "Her brain scans, the MRI, everything we have shown you shows there is almost no brain activity", Dr. Juslik began, "I'm sorry, but I have to be very clear: even if she ever woke up, there is an 80% chance she would be in a vegetative state until her body gave out. The fact that her heart is failing, that we haven't been able to control her arrhythmias, and that now her kidneys are starting to show signs of failure as well tell us her brain is irrevocably damaged. We can be invasive, Seeley, and very aggressive, if that's your choice, and believe me, I have had cases like this, and I've kept those patients alive…"_

" _But they are not truly living, are they?", Booth finished tearfully, staring at them, and seeing the compassion on their faces, he knew the answer, "So basically, what you're asking me is if I want you to keep poking, prodding, invading her body to keep her alive, or if I want to pull the plug on her?", his voice shook as he said it. "Is there a chance that… I know it sounds stupid, but… how long do I have before I have to choose?", he asked, and Dr. Wills responded._

" _You can have as much time as you want, Seeley. She's not getting better, and at the time, with the new drugs we are giving her, her kidneys are stable enough. This decision usually rests on the family's shoulders, and I know it's terribly unfair to you, considering the situation. Your wife didn't speak to you about how you should proceed in case a situation like this happened? She didn't have a living will?", Booth shook his head._

" _Angela… hated, absolutely hated to think about death, and it's ironic, given that we deal with death given our line of work, but… she never told me what she would have wanted me to do…", seeing the understanding on their faces at his plight, he continued, "But knowing her as I did, I can… I can guess what her choice would have been. I guess… she was so hopeful things would turn out right she… that was how she is… or was", he said, roughly wiping his face from the unexpected tear that fell._

 _He steadied his voice, and said, "I need to spend time with her, and I need you to tell the nurses or whoever arranges these things that I don't care a shit about your policy: I need to be with my wife, and I need you", he said, looking in Dr. Thornton's direction, "To make sure our little girl is there with me. I need YOU to make it happen. Then, I'll tell you what we'll do"._

" _Sure, we'll arrange everything for you, Seeley", they all shook hands, and he walked a few steps until he leaned against the wall, only managing to get his cell phone out and dialing his best friend. "Cam, call Hodgins, call every single squintern that Angela cared for or loved, in case they want to visit, ok? Do it fast", he flipped it shut, and let his tears fall silently, his head thrown back against the cold white walls of the hospital, only managing to gather one thought from his head. That this was his punishment, for not being the man his wife had deserved, for not opening his heart to her in time, for being too greedy. He became aware of his own irrationality, but he couldn't help it._

 _Hours passed, and indeed, everyone who mattered to them came. Even Roxy, who had cried pitifully by her side, asking for her forgiveness for breaking things up between them, for not understanding her nature. The one visit that had touched him the most, after Cam's, had been Hodgins. He could see in the scientist's blue gaze the same raw grief he knew he was showing in his own. The man had simply stared at her face for long minutes, his tears falling silently, his head bowed, and then he had simply kissed her forehead lovingly, muttering a sorrowful, "Reach the stars, Angie, there's nowhere else you belong", before standing before Booth, and in a rare moment, he dared hug him tightly, both men sharing the pain for a woman they had both had the chance to love in both equal and different ways and amounts._

 _The baby had finally been allowed in, and Booth had made sure that even if her body wasn't aware, her soul could sense the baby she had fought so hard for was close by. Booth had spent hours holding the baby, taking one of Angela's hands so the baby felt her touch, hoping against hope that her tiny soul recalled her mother. He told her stories of how loving, fun and lively her mother was. It was a long day, a day that would forever haunt him, but as he stared into Angela's unnaturally pale face, he knew there was no other choice for him to make: Angela had made it impossible for him to do otherwise._

 _He would never betray Angela's spirit, and he knew that to respect everything he loved about her meant he needed to let her go. He couldn't continue subjecting her to this type of abuse, to this torture that was being inflicted so they could salvage her body, and even if the slim chance of her waking ever took place, she would only be a shadow of the woman he had learned to love and admire._

 _He had learned of the meaning of souls from an early age, and even if her body was out of sight, he couldn't keep someone as free-spirited, as full of live and joy chained to a carcass that had once held so much life._

 _He placed the sleeping baby on her chest, careful of the baby not disrupting anything so she wouldn't wake by an alarm sounding, wanting his child to feel a bit of her mother, and resting his head against hers, his hands around both her body and the baby's, he began speaking, "there's so much I need to say, Ange, and I don't know if you're listening, but I need to believe you are, because I would go mad if I don't get this out of my chest. I know you must have doubted my feelings for you many times, but you were the purest, most amazing things that happened to me. I'm so grateful to have been loved by someone like you, and I don't know why you chose me, why you let go of someone like Hodgins: He loves you, I think he never stopped, he was the better man, because he stepped down and simply let go of you, and let you be who you are. I am so angry, at you, for being so perfect, for wanting to protect me, for wanting to spare me the worry. And everyone tells me it's not my fault, but… I wish I could have done more. I wish I could have given you my whole heart. I hate her, Ange, I hate her because I saw her first, because I wish it had been you who got to my heart first, because you deserved all of me, all of my love, but believe me, everything I gave you, I did it completely. Everything I could give you, everything that was whole and good in me, every single piece you put back together, you owned it, completely. Because you did put me back together, Ange, you did. And I loved you, I truly did. Not the same way I did her, but that doesn't mean it wasn't any less true. Ever since we decided to take chance on us, I committed myself to you, and please know I never, ever wished it was her instead of you. Ever. I never looked at you and wished for her. You filled my empty spaces, all the broken parts… And you gave me the most beautiful, perfect little girl in the world. I don't know if after this pain passes I'll start being angry at you for leaving me, at God for taking you away from me, from our child. We were just getting started, Ange", he sobbed, "I don't understand why, but I need you to know I'll never forget everything you've been to me. You will never become a distant memory, you will never fade away, and I'll make sure our little Angelica, because I named her that, after you, because I know you would have wanted her to have her own name, but I needed her to have something of you, remember you every single day. I promise she will know how amazing her mother was, how you filled my life with things I didn't even think I deserved. She looks like you, she has so much of you, even if Cam says she's quite the perfect blend of us, but she has your eyes. I will protect her, and she will never want for anything. And I promise that… I will stay out of danger, for her sake. I don't know if I will be enough, but I'll try. Ange, she will need you so much, and I won't know how to tell her… You deserved to be here, with me", he said brokenly, "But Hodgins was right. You are a star that belongs in Heaven, and I can't do this to you: I can't be selfish and keep you chained to a body that's causing you so much pain. They tell me you don't feel a thing, that you are not suffering… but… I love you too much to do this to you. So I'm letting you go. Please, forgive me if I caused you pain, if you ever doubted my love, if you ever felt you were my second choice. You weren't, I couldn't have chosen better or being chosen by someone better than you. I'll remember you my whole life, Ange", he kissed her desperately, around her cheeks, hating that her breathing tube prevented him from reaching her lips, but he could feel how cold she was, and he felt how devoid of life her body felt._

 _He stayed there for a long time, until he took the baby from her chest, and hugged her close, standing away from the bed. Dr. Jurslik and Dr. Thornton were outside when he opened the curtain, and he curtly said. "Just do it. Please, just make sure she´s not in pain". They nodded, and a team of nurses followed them._

 _He saw as they carefully moved around her, clasping and closing every single wire attached to her body, and when there was only the breathing tube left, they turned to him, clearly giving him the courtesy of giving them the permission to cut the last connection she had to the world of the living. He held back a sob, and simply nodded. Dr. Thornton moved, and with a defeated sigh, he touched the button that powered the ventilator, and turned it off. Dr. Wills, who had followed them, gently removed the breathing tube from her mouth, and then turned the alarms off before they began wailing._

 _They all worked silently, and a few moments later, they heard her gave a troubled, raspy breath, clearly her last effort of her lungs to get air, and then the line on the monitor that signaled her heart rate went flat. It was all over, in the span of seconds, someone who had meant so much had become just… a body._

 _Dr. Thornton looked at him tearfully, clearly touched by the moment, and Booth brokenly said, "Thank you all. I know you fought for her, as much as you could. Thanks", and unable to continue staring at her broken, lifeless body, he exited the ICU._

 _Cam and Hodgins were outside, and when they saw him, their own tears started to fall, knowing the worst had happened. He slid down to the floor, his back against the wall, his baby safely in his arms, and these two people, the most loyal he would ever have the blessing to meet, sat on either side of him, forming a protective barrier, trying to let him now that he wasn´t going down alone, that even in the darkest of moments, they would always have his back.._

He snapped back to the present, realizing that while unmoving, his face was wet with tears, which he wiped quickly as he heard fussing from the crib next to the bed, and he moved, staring into his sweet child's face. He was glad that she was unaware of the monumental loss she had experienced: she would never know how it felt to be fed from her mother's body, how it would be to smell her, to feel her warmth, to feel her love, to be supported in every crazy plan she came up with. She felt a wave of sorrow for his little angel, for all she would miss, and he gently took her against his chest, which never failed to calm her, and make her start to coo contently. At least he hoped that the saying went right, and since she didn't have to mourn the memory of her mother, it would be less painful than for all the people who had known and loved the fiery artist.

"Angelica, I'm so sorry you will never get to meet your mom, she was the most amazing human being ever", he whispered against her fragrant hair, inhaling her baby smell, which always calmed his troubled heart, "But I promise I will try and be the best father in the whole wide world for you. I´m nowhere near perfect, but I pray to God that he will let me take care of you for many, many years. I love you, my angel. So, so much", he said brokenly, and he stayed there, enjoying the fell of her tiny body in his arms, until a soft knock interrupted his thoughts.

Cam, attentive as usual, gave him a tender look, and gently said, "Seeley, we have to go", quickly reading his expression, she added, "please, don't beat yourself up anymore. It's a good thing you decided not to take her to the funeral. She's too small, a cemetery is not a good place for her, she could get sick, her immune system is still building, and she would be exposed to many germs", he let out a tired breath, aware Cam was entirely right, and kissed the baby's temple before putting her back in the crib. Besides, Rebecca had made sure Parker's old babysitter, who they trusted implicitly, came to take care of the little girl, as the boy had determinedly said he was going to pay his respects to his stepmom, because they had been so close, and he knew how much she had meant to his father. Booth had been both awed and stunned by his son's determination to accompany him, and he felt immensely proud of how mature his little boy was turning out to be, even if he was still so small, at least in his eyes. He guessed for parents, his children never grew up, but his little boy was giving glimpses into the wonderful man he would one day become.

"I'm ready. Let's do this", he stood, and taking Cam's hand, he walked, determined to face the last hits this storm would bring, the deadliest and the most unrelenting in their cruelty.

 **You might think me evil, but I cried my eyes out writing this! I love Angela, and I wanted to show her bravery, her loving spirit (even if I didn't like her much during S4 and 5!). At least, you might see that her death is not for fun (for me), or without a purpose. Even if you hate it, I hope at least I managed to portray the emotions Booth will have had experienced during this awful moment, as this is very Booth oriented. And it will explain his reaction to Brennan in the next installments…**

 **Let me know how I'm doing, and I hope the criticism to come leads me to improve my writing… Please, all of us writers want is to have a creative outlet, and to grow. And I saw it for every one on this site, we DO want honesty, but that doesn't mean words can't be kind.** **) Even if you should hate the road I'm taking, things will get better. Remember, this is BB, though with things like these, it won't be easy, but 99.9% I will always go for a happy ending.**

 **I want to be consistent with their natures, the ones in canon: Brennan's deep irrational fears, Booth's tendency to take the blame for everything, Angela's loyalty, Hodgins' undying love, Cam´s steadfastness… I can only pray I'm doing them justice…**


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